purpose to melody

2012-01-13T02:12:00.001-05:00

1 Corinthians 3:23

Ye are Christ's. You are his by donation, for the Father gave you to the Son; his by his bloody purchase, for he counted down the price for your redemption; his by dedication, for you have consecrated yourself to him; his by relation, for you are named by his name, and made one of his brethren and joint-heirs. Labour practically to show the world that you are the servant, the friend, the bride of Jesus. When tempted to sin, reply, I cannot do this great wickedness, for I am Christ's. Immortal principles forbid the friend of Christ to sin. When wealth is before you to be won by sin, say that you are Christ's, and touch it not. Are you exposed to difficulties and dangers? Stand fast in the evil day, remembering that you are Christ's. Are you placed where others are sitting down idly, doing nothing? Rise to the work with all your powers; and when the sweat stands upon your brow, and you are tempted to loiter, cry, No, I cannot stop, for I am Christ's. If I were not purchased by blood, I might be like Issachar, crouching between two burdens; but I am Christ's, and cannot loiter. When the siren song of pleasure would tempt you from the path of right, reply,Thy music cannot charm me; I am Christ's. When the cause of God invites thee, give thy goods and thyself away, for thou art Christ's. Never belie thy profession. Be thou ever one of those whose manners are Christian, whose speech is like the Nazarene, whose conduct and conversation are so redolent of heaven, that all who see you may know that you are the Saviour's, recognizing in you his features of love and his countenance of holiness. I am a Roman! was of old a reason for integrity; far more, then, let it be your argument for holiness, I am Christ's!

- Charles Spurgeon

2012-01-08T00:13:00.003-05:00

Oh heart of mine, so far do you go. Come back to fountain of life, the streams of mercy, the rivers of grace. Lean on the pillar of truth and Word of life.

2012-01-06T15:59:00.002-05:00

Psalm 63:1-8
Oh God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

--

When the soul does not. When my heart is empty and seemingly stuffed full with nothingness. When all of me knows that at the hand of the Lord are glorious riches and blessings, that through His Son I have peace in God and peace with God, that in Him there is grace that is found, grace that finds me. And yet the vacuum is not filled, the space stays empty. When grace abounds and my heart is limp. When love is steadfast and my soul reaches out and yet finds no satisfaction. Will I still say, "It is well with my soul", will I still declare, "Your grace is enough for me", will I still life my hands and say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord", will I rejoice and be glad, will I still go to the edge of the waters when my soul is not "as the deer panting for streams of water", will I carry my cross, when I know not to where I carry it? When I am at the door of light, the gate to life, will I still sit in the darkness? When I am sitting in broken cisterns hewed out by my own hands, will I place my trust in the One who has called my name, who has called me child, who has made a way and torn the veil, will I claim Him as my God, as my Lord and my Saviour? Will I eat my fill of this world, and forsake what is best, will I take from all else that is not His and leave what I know can satisfy?
Oh Lord will I "praise you as long as I live", when I have no strength, when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are my God, that you are my Saviour, that you came to give me life, that your Spirit holds me fast, that you are my light, you are my shield, you are my defender, you are my helper, you sustain me, you save me, you sanctify me. Will I speak with my lips to glorify you and profane you with my heart, will the attitude of what is inside put to shame the outward appearance. Will my soul lips sing and my heart be hard as stone.
Lord breathe into me once again, touch this heart and transform it into flesh that beats for your name, that seeks your glory, that seeks your face, that knows your name: Justice, Mercy, Grace, Abounding Love, Father. Be my all in all.

By Christ I will live, by Christ I will stand, by Christ I will kneel and know you God. By Christ I will pour myself out to you, even as I feel I have nothing to pour, even as I feel foolish, a failure, unworthy and utterly far from you. Lord would your Spirit bear witness with mine that I am your child, that I am loved and that I have been drawn out of the fire and into the kingdom of light. By your Spirit may I mortify the deeds of the flesh, live in the light, and live by grace. For it is by grace that I have been saved, through faith in Christ. Let me not falter Lord, though I am prone to wander, oh Lord I feel it, I know it. Bring me to my knees, bring me to dependence on you, on your Word, on your Spirit, on your grace, on Christ. Let it be on Christ that I stand, this solid rock, and not this world of sand and fleeting pleasures, but on the cross, to lift my eyes up to be saved. How great, how mysterious, how glorious.

2010-12-19T01:34:00.003-05:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

- C.S. Lewis

2010-10-10T23:34:00.002-04:00

His love endures forever.

His love: I cannot fully grasp.

endures: I cannot fully grasp.

forever: I cannot fully grasp.

So I stand in awestruck wonder of what I cannot fully grasp or know.

2010-10-09T15:55:00.001-04:00

"..they can't believe in something they've never heard.."

2010-10-04T21:44:00.004-04:00

"...for we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard... "

- Acts 4

Jesus tells us to go through the narrow gate and down the narrow path. He tells us that it leads to life, and the wide path leads to destruction. The wide gate is indeed wide, and many are going through and walking that path. The narrow gate is narrow, and is the path is harder, but leads to life. Because Jesus went down the narrow path ahead of us, and was raised to life. The narrow path leads to life. But the only things that will fit through the narrow gate is myself, and the cross that I am commanded to carry. Easier doesn't mean better. Harder doesn't mean worse. Harder leads to life. Easier leads to destruction. We all have a choice to make. I've made mine, and I know He's with me, and is right there, infront, beside, and behind me, all around, to keep me on that path by His grace.

2010-10-01T13:43:00.001-04:00

I miss my blog.

2010-09-13T22:34:00.002-04:00

'Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth, unite my heart to fear your name.'

Psalms 86:11

--

'Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.'

Matthew 5:5

"The way of meekness is natural, in the sense that it's part of our nature, but not easy. Becoming like a child in a culture that tells me to be grown up and important is a step downwards. Dying the death of submission in a world that rewards those who seize control feels foolhardy. Giving away money to those who are in need now means I have to trust God for all I need for the future. It is difficult to follow Jesus in a calling that others are better qualified to accomplish or requires me to sacrifice something that Jesus doesn't seem to be requiring my friends to sacrifice. And adopting the attitude of a slave means that I must set self aside day after day. Finally, obeying people I perceive to be inferior or whom I simply don't want to obey means that I tie myself to others when I would rather worship freedom and independence.

These are painful deaths to die. But they enrich the soil in which good things grow."

- Scott A. Bessenecker

2010-09-12T23:13:00.002-04:00

Starting a new page of life tomorrow.

I pray to be intentional, and to be a reflection of Christ, all in wisdom and humility.

2010-09-03T14:55:00.002-04:00

Halifax:

I have learned many things here, about myself, about evangelism, about Jesus...life.

I have learned to love the people I meet, with the love of Jesus and how He would love them, to listen to them and meet their physical needs. To see them as lost people, but not to see them as only that, but as creations of God and those that He loves. To not just try to tell them my story in hopes of leading them to Him, but to listen to their story. To love them first, to show them Christ through the way that I live, instead of just speaking with my mouth, but to speak with my life. I have been learning and will learn for the rest of my life, wherever I am, in whatever I do, how to live in a way that is not of this world, in a way that will show who Christ is, and not who I am.

I have learned that what I have learned on its own is worthless. I know a bit here and there about evangelism, apologetics, about the Bible, about theology and how to tell my testimony, how to tell people about God. But I really don't. I have stepped out of my world and comfort zone, where most identify, or at least know of my faith or share that common belief with me. I have learned that I cannot learn how to evangelize, or tell someone of my faith, or defend it, in a classroom. I have learned so much about how to talk to people, how to tell people about God, how to tell them my story in a way that they can understand and not wonder at the strange words and phrases. I have learned more importantly to listen and to try to understand people of different beliefs. I have learned so much about how other people think. But I have only begun to scratch the surface, to begin to be exposed to what everyday life will be for an active Christian. I have built upon the knowledge and instruction I have grown up with in school and church, all which is good, but on its own is not much good, until I have understanding and wisdom of how to use it. I have learned that the hard way on some days here.

I learned in a very personal way the truths in Mark 4:26-29. Jesus tells us that the 'kingdom of God' is like a man that scatters seeds on the ground, and he lets the seeds grow, not knowing how or when the harvest will come, but is ready for the time. In faith he plants the seeds, in patience he lets them grow on their own time, and His own time, and in obedience and guiding by the Spirit he takes to the ripe harvest. I had to learn that even though I may have planted some seeds, by the power of the Spirit, I also must rely on the same who allowed me to plant the seeds to grow and work in these guys lives, and pray in faith and obedience for these seeds. BUT not to believe that I am mean to harvest, and to only keep praying and listening to those prods by the Spirit to water and do my part, and letting God do His, and all the while not expecting that I will be the one to harvest, but that God has His own timing, unknown to myself. Learning and accepting this was hard at times, feeling that I had to 'finish what I started', and feeling it hard to leave when I hadn't been able to win any souls for Christ, or just to give up altogether if it didn't seem like anything was happening. I learned to let go of that, to let go of what I want and what I think needs to happen. I learned that God's plan will always trump mine, and that I am just called to have faith, and act on that in obedience.

I have learned to trust in God(or just beginning to really learn). In my loneliness I have realized that I need to put my trust in God first, to trust Him with everything and to give everything up to Him, my hopes and dreams, my goals, my speech, my temptations, my struggles, even the joys, my every day. I have begun to realize, again in some ways the hard way, that I can't go about on my own and after being thrust out here for more than a month, experiencing new things, being presented with numerous temptations and pleasures of the flesh, and that I need to really believe in what I believe, that I trust in God and put my faith in Him, and not myself or my own efforts. I have begun to learn that even when I am alone, when I can't hear His voice, when I just want to give it all up and sit back and 'relax in life', that there is something worth more than whatever this place offers me. And just beginning to learn, over and over again.

I have realized once again that I need to be credible. Even though my works do not save me, they do show what is inside of me, and I learned from the very first day here that if I was to identify myself as a Christian and represent Christ, I needed to be consistent and live in a way that honored Him and was consistent with what was coming out of my mouth, what came from my actions, and what I claimed to believe. I learned the importance of this a few weeks into the course, seeing and experiencing a loss of credibility through a friend here. I could not understand it. But it reminded me again of the importance of practicing what I preach, walking the talk, being a doer and not just a sayer. I took a stand for what I knew was right and wrong, I did not partake in the activities that I could have easily dove into to 'experience new things' or to fit in. I identified myself as a follower of Christ, and tried so very hard to keep my speech and actions consistent with that. The loss of credibility for my friend and even sometimes feeling that spreading over for myself confused me and threw me off. But I needed to remember that God knows our hearts, that I am no better than anyone else, and that I should not and could not judge. Through this I also learned that it is so important for brothers and sisters to encourage and support one another, to spur one another on towards Christ and to keep each other accountable. To be understanding and listen, but also to be firm and speak the truth, in love, patience, and respect.

Earlier today I totally destroyed an opportunity to tell someone how I became a Christian. I was not ready and answered terribly with a jumble of words and after I wanted to smack myself. Later on, remembering 1 Peter 3:15.

"...Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..."

The power of prayer and persistence is still something I am amazed at. First being able to pray, and trying to even begin to realize what we are actually doing when we pray...trying not to take for granted that we can ask for our heart's desire, to ask on behalf of someone else, that our praise and thanks is accepted, and that even the Spirit intercedes for us with 'groanings too deep for words'. And in those times on the two ends of the pendulum, either low or high, I could either remember and feel even closer in prayer and praise, or feel the opposite and not feel a need to pray with my heart, or be so weakened in faith that I can only sit and question. But I have learned(and will continue to learn) that my prayers need to be Spirit filled and from my own heart as well, to pray in reverence and intimacy with Him, but also to be hopeful of the good that He has promised, and to ultimately converse with King of the universe.

"I realized that diligent, heartfelt, and Spirit-born prayer had miscarried in my soul, leaving only a trickle of unimpassioned human-derived prayers. Prayer had been relegated to available slots within my day and had lost its once vibrant presence in my daily life. I used to pray with passion, with purpose, and with expectancy; now I prayed to maintain, to pacify, and to keep the flesh in check..." - Eric Ludy

I also learned once again the importance of my time with God each day and spending time in prayer. Having the study of scripture and reflection in my daily routine has brought so many benefits. The blessing of finding a place where I could be alone and not be disturbed was huge. Although the floor may have been cold and hard in that bathroom, the door had a lock and I could freely spend time with the One and be hidden and enjoy Him. I spent many hours in intimacy, questioning, joy, anger, sadness, brokenness, healing, and so much more, alone, away from the rowdiness and distractions.

"It's amazing how trials and disappointments can cause us to become spiritually sensitive, force us to our knees, and open us up to a new and deeper work of God in our hearts." - Eric Ludy

In my moments of loneliness and confusion I did learn to trust in God all over again, to let go of my expectations. I always ask myself if it will really always take those low periods in my life to draw me closer and renew my awareness of how much God loves and cares for us and will pick us up.

Precious moments, sometimes forced out of discipline, and others out of anticipation and joy, but always leaving me closer(even though at times I did not feel) to my Saviour.

2010-08-18T14:55:00.000-04:00

"Justice and mercy meet at the cross" - Brenton Brown Jesus You Are Worthy

Justice. Mercy. Those are two very different things. At a quick glance, there's nothing just about the cross. It all seems to be mercy and grace. Justice on the cross: A perfect man dying because we deserve it? It just doesn't seem fair. '..faithful and just to forgive our sins..' There doesn't seem to be any justice in that either, just grace and mercy - but that's the beauty of it. It's not fair, but God makes it that way because he loves.

--

Learning so much about evangelism and living for Christ.

2010-08-13T15:29:00.004-04:00

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are, You're beautiful
- Phil Wickham, 'You're Beautiful'

--

I saw the meteor shower last night. The window in my room leads out to part of the roof, so my roommate and I crept out and lay watching the sky for falling stars. We saw a small one and 3 really big ones. One was so bright and long, streaking a bright purple tail behind it.

--

The joy outweighs the pain and discouragement. I am glad, so glad. He does answer, and so many times in ways that I could never have imagined.

--

Having conversations about sin and salvation and the Bible with the people I live with constantly reminds me that I have so much to learn and that I need to always pray for wisdom and understanding of the Word and that the Spirit will help me speak.

Another thing to keep in mind that came up in my readings recently.

14 The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are(Y) folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. 15 The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one. 16 "For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ.
- 1 Corinthians 2:14-16

--

2010-08-11T19:37:00.002-04:00

Good week compared to the last. Really have been lifted up and encouraged a lot by many situations and little things that made my days exciting and happy.

Reminded that I am weak and cannot do anything on my own, including fighting my temptations. Fighting a battle alone is difficult.

2010-08-07T18:21:00.002-04:00

Last night I went to my google-found fellowship.

Definitely was a big difference from my group back home. Different, but positively, and I really enjoyed it and felt 'at home'. I don't know(well I do) why it's different back home. Most of it is probably my lame attitude, but sometimes it bugs me that it has to be that way. Coming off of a week that wasn't the greatest to this fellowship was a blessing.

--

Yes, He does love and far too often I forget that that should satisfy me.

2010-08-05T19:25:00.002-04:00

Flood phase is over. We just finished our last wet run of the flood tank, and with the water up to our necks, our instructors put us all in the deepest corner of the room, turned on the overhead sprinklers on as we belted our Oh Canada as loud as we could. Was one of my more patriotic moments.

--

Can't forget that even if I don't feel it, He's there and that the answers come in His own time, but regardless His steadfast love never leaves me.

Some things that have happened are pretty discouraging and put my mind on a spin cycle, but I can't let that put me in negative mood. Need to stay positive and remember the blessings that are all around.

2010-08-04T16:32:00.003-04:00

Firefighting phase is over. We are doing flood control now. It's very wet. Water spraying in your face while you're trying to seal a leak in a pipe isn't the greatest thing. But very fun and learning lots.

--

The first week here was exciting, being my first time on contract and so far from home, it was great to meet new people and do new things, as well as my drive and passion to talk about Jesus. The second week was alright, things slowing down and getting used to the routine and settling in. Third week, been a bit stressful living with the same people and seeing them 24 hours a day, eating, sleeping, everything. It's not that I'm annoyed or that I hate people, but I guess I'm used to a lot more personal space and time when I want it, and it doesn't happen too often here. But I guess that's something I should just adjust too and not complain about, and continue to take every opportunity I can to share about Jesus and show that in my active living too. I wouldn't like to say that I miss home, but I guess I do. I've been away from home lots of times, but I guess this is different than missions trips or boot camp where there's always something I have to do. Here I don't have to do much in my free time, and I don't have any familiar place or face to go to. Not that it's a bad thing, but I guess being pushed out and being challenged everyday with the conversations I hear and the places I'm put in has really stretched me and my faith, for the better in some ways, but I still need a lot of help and need to constantly remind myself that I am no good alone but need the One to give me strength and if I try to go it alone it won't end up very good. I guess the onus is on me to stop being a bum and not feel lonely and homesick.

2010-08-01T21:49:00.002-04:00

He's right, the family of Christ really is an amazing thing, the way that believers can connect and join together for the common cause of loving and serving the One.

2010-07-31T22:10:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we battled the fire in the engine room. Again I have developed so much more respect for firefighters and their ability to fight fires. I wanted to get out after spending 5 seconds in the heat, and as we went further in and battled the flames, I felt like I was dragging an anaconda. But it was a lot of fun, and getting out and stripping out of my gear made me feel like a snake shedding it's skin. I love snake skins.

This morning I went for a bike ride around Cole Harbour, my bum is sore. I got some mosquito bites. I came back 'home' and spent some time in the Word and playing a borrowed guitar. Everyone was gone, so I got to spend a lot of time to myself to reflect and absorb the Word and worship. It was great, no distractions, no routine to follow, no timings to make, just me, the Word, and free worship with not a care.

I was reading 2 Timothy 4, about Paul's 'charge' to us. He tells us to preach the gospel, to always be ready. He also talks about running the race and the good fight. He tells of the time he was left all alone with nobody there to cover his butt, but God strengthened him, SO THAT he could be used to tell non-believers about Jesus, and he only focuses on the heavenly and eternal goal and rewards.

I had to really think about what I would do if there was abosolutely nobody in my life(hard to imagine)..what would my reaction be and what would I do, would I rely on God for strength and trust that He would carry me through? Trust that he would give me strength to continue to keep proclaiming Him? It's easy to say, but a trillion times harder to do. But faith like everyday, even when there are people around, I guess is what needs be.

--

I spent the evening with my roommate, walking around town and picking up some chinese food. It doesn't even compare to Toronto. I miss chinese food.

2010-07-29T15:46:00.002-04:00

Wearing a full flame retardant suit, or bunker gear(as the navy as a different name for absolutely EVERYTHING) and an air tank and mask with helmet, gloves, and boots, and then running into a burning room or smoking maze is the sweatiest thing I've done in my life, next to the 13km ruck march last summer, where I could have filled a bucket just by wringing out my shirt. So the past 2 days we've been fighting fires and learning the ropes on how to put one out, what to wear, what kind of fire extinguishers to use, how to use them, firehoses, and all that fun stuff. I have a new-found respect for professional firefighters now, because I thought it would just running in there and spraying at the flame, like you would to put out a campfire, but it's not that easy! Especially when there's smoke everywhere and you can't see a thing and you're dragging a hose and yelling commands at your team or getting yelled at what to do. But I definitely felt victorious walking down that hall with my helmet and gloves in hand, dripping sweat. If life could be put in slow motion, it would have been just like a scene in a movie. Put me in a fireman calender.

And today we went through a smoke maze, same thing with the fires, couldn't see a thing and was just crawling over and under stuff while hanging on to the foot of the guy infront of me. The objective was to get to where this guy was trapped and rescue him, so it was quite the adventure, but in real life it wouldn't have been so fun. And today I was soaked to the bone again in sweat after stripping out of my bunker gear, but it felt good and was really fun. Tomorrow we fight fires again, and then it's the long weekend!

I have to learn to just live out to the fullest wherever I am, and not hang too much to the thought that I'll be coming home in less than a month. It's a great place here, the people are great, and it's a blessing that I get along with everyone here. But I've got to remember that even though it is my mission to bring people to Christ, it's also my mission to live a life in the love of Christ, and to love them first, and not just throw the Jesus grenade at them every chance I can. Just because I have that passion and desire to talk about Him, it may be best to listen and love, to make friends, and let the Spirit do the work and for me to let go of the controls, cos it's not going to work if I try to work it all out by myself! Because then I end up fueled by my selfish motives and even though I may have in mind to do the Lord's work, the only way I can fully do so is to surrender it all and let Him move and use me. I guess easier said than done. But can be done, with His help!

2010-07-26T21:14:00.002-04:00

I got into all the courses I wanted to get into. It was a little worried that things might of not worked out, especially with my Arabic course, but I got into it! With only very few spots available. So I guess this is the path I'm going down, at least for now. But still remembering that it's all in God's hands, and wherever He wants me to be, He'll get me there, eventually.....so I've got to discern and listen so I can obey!

2010-07-26T16:29:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I went to church in the morning, and it was different than my home church, but still felt at home and was able to worship freely, something that doesn't even always happen at my own church. And now that I think about it, there's something wrong there. Because either I'm leading or I'm controlling sound, so it's rare that I am ever part of the congregation, even though I've been trying to cut down and be a worshiper in the crowd, so that's something I gotta get back to, because it always feels like when I'm at a conference or at another church, it's so much easier to let myself go and worship freely. It's probably also an attitude thing, with being mindful of the people around me. So time to change myself inside to out with this realization of an old problem.

Last night myself, my friend in the block, and this other guy on base went out to have coffee and to talk about our faith. He was a practicing Catholic, and knew his stuff and was serious about it, and we had some pretty intense discussion over some big issues, like truth, what makes the truth, what is the word of God, what makes it the word of God, what makes the authority, how can we know that it's not corrupt....And then this stranger overhears us and asks to join, who happens to be from a Orthodox background, and he brought up some issues as well. I didn't speak much, but definitely was thinking a whole lot and after 3 hours of that, I was completely spent, even though I probably only spoke up 4 times. This past week here has really been an experience of being out there, out of my church and PCA shell, in what the world and the people in it are really like, how they think, what they think, what they believe, why they believe it. And it's been really stretching me, mentally, emotionally, spiritally, and even physically at times. Sometimes I just want to go to bed, but sometimes I know and feel the tugging to speak out and to live out what I say and know I believe. It's so easy to just sit back and let the whole course pass me by, but it's impossible to say that I am what I say I am and tell others that I am born again if I don't live it. Everything that was taught to me in Sunday school, bible class, world religions, philosophy, everything that I have ever dealt with concerning my faith, my life, what I believe, my struggles and my realization of the truth, the times I've spent growing in the Spirit by myself in the word, the times I've spent learning from others and growing with them, the times I've prayed for my world to be rocked upside-down and for my life to show what I believe, the times I've prayed that God would bring people into my life that I could share with...it ALL comes together, and came together now and during this past week. It's been tough, but it's definitely been a blessing, and it's been a huge learning experience and growing experience, learning to trust in the work of the Spirit and in the strength and comfort of God. It's been a test as well, whether or not I can stand up there and actively define myself as different, and to say that I am just ask broken and beat as everyone else, separated by the single fact that I have Jesus in my life.

2010-07-24T10:27:00.003-04:00

By the grace of God, seeds being planted left and right(literally, one guy is on my right, and the other on my left), and it's all because of the strength and guidance of the Holy Spirit.

My heart sinks and breaks for these situations, for these people, but I have to remember that a broken heart without a healer is just a broken heart looking for love, and there is a solution in Jesus. How right can I feel telling someone it's okay, or that it will all work out, and that I will pray for him? How to tell someone that God loves them and can heal them, someone who has been through something I can't even imagine, how? I couldn't, at least not then, but I believe I can show them through my life, through my story, but more importantly through showing them the love of God, and everyday being a reflection of what I believe and a reflection of God's grace in my life, through my actions and speech, whether for preaching Christ, or just in what I do every moment I'm awake. Just as my heart was getting heavy and broken for these people, God was lifting me up again, filling me with his compassion and love(there's no other way), and empowering me to be a friend and show his love through prayers and conversation. From here on, it's just letting the Spirit do the work, and being in continual prayer for these hearts, as well as mine, for I must be reminded that God wants my heart first, before my actions.

He's Alive

2010-07-23T15:18:00.003-04:00

Today we got off at 1pm. What a wonderful day, my weekend has just begun. And there are endless possibilities of what I could spend my time doing.

I went down to clothing supply and picked up some new jackets in exchange for my old ones. I walked down with my roommate and we got to talking about Jesus, and turns out he didn't know much and was interested in learning more, so I went from the beginning and told him the Gospel story, all the way back to our room and told him why I'm telling him about Jesus. The seeds are being planted, and all I can do now is keep praying for him and that the Holy Spirit will guide our conversations and continue to push me to share and not be ashamed.

I'm Alive.

2010-07-22T15:17:00.003-04:00

Today we went in the pool. With our uniform, a parka(that doubles as a life jacket, with this flap called a beaver tail, that keeps your goodies warm), and then with this big rubber suit and a self inflating life jacket. It was a kick butt time, learning how to 'rescue' someone and pull them to safety(the other side of the pool) by sticking our feet in their armpits, how to flip over a life raft. I hate swimming, and I was terrified going in, because of my handicapped wrist and my total lack of aquatic skills, but today was fine because I didn't have to swim. I just had to float and flail my arms to move around.

The light of the Gospel is shining through in this room and my block, and it's just gonna keep coming and breaking down barriers, with the power of the Holy Spirit, and constant prayer and boldness for the glory of God.

2010-07-22T09:49:00.003-04:00

I have just begun to open up the Gospel to my roommate here in my mod, and it's been going well. I hope that I can really show him the love of Christ and really be a reflection of the great things God has for us.

Please pray for that, for myself, and for this guy.

--

This morning it was raining. Which is great, cos that means it's not super hot like it's been the past 4 days I've been here. Yesterday was whopper wednesday at burger king, and there just happens to be a BK right outside of base which is open 24 hours. So that means amidst all the alcohol floating around last night, there was the smell of burgers... Never really spent too much time around drunk people until I got here, and it's quite funny! They were talking about bananas and having a grand time.

2010-07-19T14:18:00.002-04:00

I arrived at CFB Halifax last night.
I'm living with 12 other guys.
I thank God for one other guy in my block who is a believer.
My day is from 7:15am to 3pm. I have lots of free time to sleep and make my muscles bigger.
There will be lots of drinking and partying. Please pray for me, that I will guard my heart and mind, but at the same time not be passive and keep to myself, but take every opportunity to be a witness and live out my faith.

Peoples

2010-07-12T16:39:00.007-04:00

So 14 years later, I'm graduated from the school that I've called home. I never went to any other school, never did summer school, never did anything other than PCA. I grew up with it, grew up in the same building, grew up with some of the same friends, I grew up in a 'Christian' environment. I was taught all about the Bible since I was 4 years old, learning about Jesus and what he did for me years ago. I listened well and knew all the answers and somewhere along the road it all became meaningless and routine, just going to church, going to school. Not that I really fell away or rejected God, just deep down inside, all it was was a routine and way of life for me, in the sense that I never questioned it, or thought of it as more than some things I did and said, even though I served in church, and did all the right things. I had the same thinking as a lot of other students, I just wanted to get out, taste the 'real world', and have the option to take the 'full range' of courses and activities that PCA did not provide. But I guess I never left, and to this day, I am forever thankful that I didn't.
I always thought that maybe I should have been allowed to grow up in the 'real world' and figure things out for myself, and that I would find God in my own special and real way, more real than learning about it in church and school every day of the week for my whole life. I wanted something that I could call my own, and something that wasn't just presented for me and just assumed for me to believe. And in a way, I did find this, I did find God in my own way, and I will never turn back to do it again, as part of the bigger picture, I owe much of this to PCA.
As much as it seemed like it was 'sheltered' or too 'strict' and whatever else they say, I don't understand why people say that anymore. Do you want teachers to give you drugs? Do you want teachers to let you wear your uniform in a way that people can see things only you and your doctor should see? Do you want to have a smokers corner at your school? I don't, and I really don't think I ever wanted it that way either. Sometimes I did want to learn it the 'hard way', to get into that kind of stuff and then have my eyes 'opened' and so I would learn not to smoke, not to get drunk, not to do drugs, not to be sexually active, not to swear, not to do all these things. And really, whatever school you go to is not going to stop any of that from happening. That stuff happens at PCA, and at any other school, but I do believe that PCA has given us the option and environment to build up that foundation and the morals and values that we need to say no and resist those things, but more importantly to know why, and how to share that with others.
And even so, I did fall into some of those things that we were taught not to do, and I wasn't always the good person I made myself out to look like, or so I tried. And I probably would have fallen deeper and into many more things, if it wasn't for this school. Referring back to a series of posts from January, going to Urbana really did change my life, and it was through my initiative to seek out something else other than myself that I did find this new light and genuine relationship with God, but it was just as much the event as it was the follow up that I had. If it wasn't for PCA, my life would still be changed, but there would have been a lot less to build off of, if I hadn't been raised there, and a lot less to build with, if I had left the school. Being at Peoples really built a strong foundation, and as I picture it it was like a block of cement that wasn't fully dry yet, and still had the frame around it to hold it together. Being raised in PCA and church was the cement and frame that held it together, but what really solidified my faith and foundation in Christ was the continuation of my time a Peoples, and the persons that were brought into my life to follow up with me and to spend the time to help me solidify my faith, the trips that I went on, all the things I experienced and did, and all the great moments and quiet times that amount to who I am today. Without the wise and patient advice of the few who took me as I was to guide me and counsel me to really change, and then be the change I wanted to see, things would have been very different this year. Without the constant challenges and patience of these people, I wouldn't have stepped up my faith and would have easily fallen back to where I was before. So thanks, thanks for not taking the credit either, and constantly reminding me to go back to God as well.
Going on missions trips and really taking part in building the kingdom of God just opened my eyes and gave me a taste of what it's like to really give things up for the sake of Him who has so much more to offer. Going and being with people and serving them was just one of the things sparked a desire inside of me to pursue a missional life until I die. So I thank God for these people, for putting within them the desire to help young people like me, and for not letting me believe that I could do it on my own. Without PCA, I could have found trips, but not like the ones at PCA. So it's just been great, there can be a lot said about the trips, and I could just go on and on about it, but being on the other side of the globe telling lost people about Jesus is something that is hard to put into words.
My friends at Peoples really did take part in shaping who I was and am, and the defining moments are too many to count. I have come to see that this group is indeed very different than the 'real world', but at the same time, genuine and real, just as real as public school people(see, I don't understand the deal and difference is). These people were all different, from different families, backgrounds, schools, and worldviews, but the time we spent together, whether it was 14 years, 10 years, or even just 1 or 2, all made up my primary and secondary school life, and had a part in shaping who I've become. Despite our differences, the sieve of morals and values left me with a set of friends, despite the times we spent apart and felt distant, that shared with me their lives, and let me share with them mine, whenever the opportunity came up. The endless jokes and laughter, the fights and drama that somehow always squeezed it's way in, the occasional 'deep' moments,(and observing, only observing, the romantic ones), all the bromance, the love and bittersweet times that will always be remembered, the ever moving slinky of closeness and distance in friendships, and the finale to it all in Mexico and our graduation, where it didn't really matter who we were or who we had been friends with. And even if the values were not the same, they were my friends nonetheless, and this even opened up opportunities to be real and share with them why I believed what I believed, and let God do the rest.
I always told myself that I was not a product of my friends, my family, or my school. I always told myself that I was my own individual, that I lived the way I wanted, thought the way I wanted to think, and did the things that I wanted to do. But I have come to realized that it is these things that really shape who I am, the people that I am around all day and the relationships I build. So thank you friends. I know I wasn't always the best one.
And the only reason that I was in PCA in the first place was because of my parents. I had wanted to leave, partly because of course selections and activities, because I wanted to have 'freedom', and also because of the financial sacrifice they made.It didn't always make sense to me why they would pay thousands of dollars a year to send me and my brother to school, and then pay hundreds and thousands for trips and uniforms and textbooks and everything else, and then more. But now I know, and I'm sure that they know too. They have seen me change, and I think they have waited awhile to see me change from an immature toddler, to an immature child, to an immature teenager, to what I hope and know is a slightly more mature young adult today. I had no idea that it would happen, or that I would even realize that the change would and could exist, but I guess it did, and I appreciate them so much for taking the time and the money and the effort to put my in Peoples. Without that, I wouldn't have been able to have the rich experience that I treasure so much now. So thanks, for your sacrifice and patience with me, because I know after 13 years, it would be easy to just give up and sit back and let the city pay for my education for a year. My mom just told me that she had been praying for me that I would mature and really take ownership of my faith and step it up, ever since I was a little kid. She tells me that it's only by the grace of God, and she takes no credit for it. And it just amazes me when I think about that, because I sincerely believe in the power of prayer, and I guess it's never proven me wrong before. The Bible does tell us to bring up our children and teach them the way in which they should go, so that they will never abandon that, and I guess that's what happened to me. Foundation was build, even though I was not remotely aware of it until now, and I guess it's just been unfolding ever since.
And I used to think that it was hopeless, the situation that the school is in right now, and I used to just make fun of it like many did, and couldn't care less if it closed. But now I know what can happen with students, and the hearts of the people that are there, the teachers who care more about their students as people than their marks, the amazing opportunities(that aren't always grasped and many times taken for granted) that are available through PCA(trips, teachers, chapel, etc.). So I do care if it closes, and I do pray for the school, and I do want to see it come back and just continue to do what it has done for me with students for years to come.
So I guess I am very thankful that I've been at PCA. For God and what He's done with and through me, for my mentor and counselors, my friends, and my parents. I can't even start to imagine what I would be like right now if I had grown up somewhere else. I'm sure that I would have still found God, and that I would be able to be used by God, but then again, who knows, and I don't need to go back and try again.

2010-07-04T16:04:00.001-04:00

In Paris, arrived safely, last few days have been good.

You can follow at nynoisy.blogspot.com

2010-07-01T13:44:00.003-04:00

My blog post about high school is coming. So little time, so many things to do.

I'm going to Paris tomorrow on a short-term missions trip.
We will be doing street missions, interacting with the locals. We will also be doing work with the local church and missionaries that our church supports. We will be leading music ministry as well as evangelistic meetings.

Our blog is nynoisy.blogspot.com.

Please pray for us.

2010-06-22T17:16:00.002-04:00

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth

- Matthew 5:3-5

"You're blessed when you are out of options and all you can do is lean on God. Because when you realize your needs for God, it is only then that you tap into His immeasurable greatness and goodness. You're blessed when you've been stripped of that which is most precious to you. Only then can you be tenderly embraced by the One most precious to you." - Eric Ludy

--

So how much of my life actually requires faith in God? I wake up, I eat breakfast, I go out, I eat lunch, I come home, I eat dinner, I sleep. How much of my life requires that I actually rely on God, instead of just saying that I do? He tells us to rely on Him, and Him alone. He tells us that without Him, I am nothing. I really need to remind myself of that. Because in this me-centered, self sufficient society, that is hard to remember and apply.

One of the biggest challenges right now in my life is to have God as the first, and to rely on Him only.

What I've been learning is this:

God is ultimate, God is unfailing, God is unrelenting in his love. God is perfect. God saved us, and He will never leave us.

Everyone, parents, friends, siblings, role models, even the ones we love and treasure, will be be perfect, will not love like God can and does, will not be and are not perfect, never could have saved us, and will leave us at some point in our lives. This is contrary to what we may imagine, or hope for in our relationships with others.

So holding on to others with a vice grip and believing in them, and at some points forgetting about God, has been my struggle. But I have to realize and remind myself that they too will fail me, and I will fail them. But God will not, and this he has promised us. And he has promised to help us do this as well, so God help me.

2010-06-17T00:11:00.001-04:00

Another chapter of my life packed away.

2010-06-14T20:44:00.005-04:00

2010-06-10T16:20:00.001-04:00

"...deliver us from the evil one."

I never gave it much thought, and always just skimmed through those parts of the Bible, thinking that it could and would never happen to anyone I knew or myself.

And I guess this is like most things regarding spiritual things, it's never in the way that I would expect it. When God answers prayers, most of the time it's not what we had intended, or not the way in which we expected it to be. When God tells me something, it's almost never in the way that I want it, or in the way that I expect it to be. It's always something else, something that I don't expect, but it's there.

Ephesians(as well as many other places in the Bible) tells us that our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the evil powers of the spiritual world. And maybe temptations and distractions do stem from physical things, like friendships, material things, porn, relationships, but I think, or I've been discovering, that what lies underneath is spiritual warfare, and the devil trying to cut us down. Especially if there is something to cut down. I know that I've really grown and taken steps in my faith over the past 6 months, and I know that there is an imbalance between what I used to be to the devil and what I am now. And when I think about all the distractions and ways that I have been discouraged or 'attacked', however insignificant it may seem on the outside of things, I do believe that there is a war going on, over me, and also every believer out there. How intense it may be would be in proportion to faith, and I guess the level of threat to the devil. Just take for example the church in Asia, if you had a demon radar and put it over the world, there would be millions over there, and next to nothing here. But I do believe that there is a battle going on all the time, and maybe I haven't realized it before, but I sure do now. I guess sometimes it will be more apparent than others, but I've experienced and have been experiencing something quite discomforting already, and I believe that prayer and continued perseverance and faith in Christ is what I can do.

The Lord's prayer covers many things, which I think is all that is necessary when you break down prayer life. I would always focus on the parts like bringing God's kingdom to earth, forgiveness of my sins, and provisions for the day(daily bread), and never really gave much thought to the part about 'deliverance from the evil one.'

And I think now I know why Jesus prayed that, and told us that that is the way in which we should pray.

2010-06-04T23:59:00.001-04:00

The speech I made to the grade 8's at their graduation:

--

I remember when I was in grade 8 and about to enter into grade 9, I liked girls, I liked my toys, I liked my guitars, I liked my money, and the list of material and earthly possessions and ambitions goes on. I wanted to join the army, make lots of money, and have a great, exciting life, full of adventure and a nice house and nice cars. These were my thoughts...

In my transition from junior high to highschool not much changed… See, I grew up in a loving, Christian home, and had always gone to church, and was raised at Peoples since kindergarten. I went through all the motions, said all the prayers, and knew all the answers, and it was all good with me and God, as long as I went to church, did well in Bible class, served at the church, and said I was a Christian. I did all those things, and I would say I did them pretty well, but my life was still empty, and I did not fully understand what it meant to believe in and follow Christ for myself.

But then going through this last year of high school things have definitely changed. Changed me as a person, the way I think, my values, my actions, etc... It was only this year, where a series of events in my life turned me around, and lit a fire inside of me to passionately love and follow God.

During the Christmas break this past year, I went to Urbana, a big missions conference, where I took a step in faith to completely trust in God and finally experienced God’s grace and love in a personal way, bringing to life what it meant to live in God’s grace, and to love accordingly. Complete trust. At that moment, the religion that I grew up with and adopted from my parents became my own personal relationship with God, and there is no way to describe the difference between that, and a stale life of routine church and chapels.

Then, going on Senior Missions to Africa In February opened my eyes to the bigger picture, and I saw the brokenness of the people there, yet the joyous faces of the people who found and knew Jesus. I wanted this joy. So when I came back I actively sought out to spend time with people who would challenge me in my walk with God, as well as help me along the way, and encourage me to grow. But most importantly I decided to take my personal time with God seriously, and that was a hard step, but one with the greatest rewards. Then I began to really think of the challenge in sharing my faith, and my story with others. Cause, if I didn’t really know and experience what Jesus did for me, how could I share it with others?

Last summer, when I joined the military, and spent 2 months in Basic training, I lived with a very different crowd, where I found it was very difficult to actively identify myself as a Christian, let alone share that with others. I suppose I didn’t really know exactly what Jesus did for me cause it was hard for me to share Him with others. So this year, I have spent time to make sure that I know what I believe, experiencing the joy that comes with it and to build the confidence so that I can boldly and honestly share with others what I believe – no matter where I am.

Through choosing to take initiative and not just sitting back and letting my high school life slide by, “going with the flow”, I have been challenged in my faith, and have grown immensely as a result. I started to develop a love for God and a desire to serve him, more and more as time goes on. Through missions trips I have seen first hand what Jesus can do, but also how much Jesus is needed in places around the world that aren’t like here. I have decided to ‘take up my cross’, as the apostle Paul says, and take my faith seriously, and commit my life to a life of service and sacrifice to God and His will. I have set my education to become a teacher, in hopes to teach in a country where missionaries are not allowed, bringing the gospel to unreached people, where the name of Jesus has never been heard.

But the future will tell for itself, and it’s not up to me to decide. For now, all I can do is seek to serve God here at home, and do it wholeheartedly. Like I said, I could have just gone through all of high school the easy way, sleeping through chapels and just getting by in class, but I’ve learnt that there is much that can be done, and much that must be done, even while in high school. If you truly know God, and seek to love and honour him, your life should show that, even at school.

When looking back now, I am regretful for being a lazy and lukewarm Christian throughout most of high school, just doing the bare minimum to call myself a Christian, going full out on weekends by serving at Church and being a ‘Sunday Christian’. But I am thankful now for making conscious choices to give some things up, and to take other things more seriously, so that I may discover Jesus in a whole new way.

There are many things that people say you can do to ‘grow’ and ‘improve your walk’ with God, like retreats, concerts, and seminars, which aren’t bad things, but at the end of the day, a Christian life isn’t lived in the retreats and high energy concerts and spiritual highs that come out of that. For myself, I’ve discovered that it’s in the quiet times with God that I have come to love God more, and discover God’s will and desires for us. I have found that it is truly through initiative and the environment that YOU put yourself into that will determine how you will live through high school. My hope for all of you is that you don’t just let yourself just ‘get by’ in these critical, yet exciting years of your life. Take ownership of your life, and make the most of it – sooner than later.

I still like girls, like my toys, and like my guitars, but I don’t love my money, or the earthly possessions I once did. I have given up these things because I want to live more for God – even though sometimes it hurts. But when it does hurt, I remind myself that all that matters is doing God’s will - until the day I meet Him face to face. So my hope and wish for all of you is that you will discover for yourselves the love and grace of God in a personal way, and if you already have, that you will continue to develop the desire to love Him even more and to do His will. I also hope that you will take the initiative to find mentors, people older and wiser who will encourage you, but challenge you as well in your spiritual life, as well as other areas of your life. Go and take every opportunity that you can do to serve God. If you have the opportunity to go on a missions trip, do it. You will be challenged, you will learn, and you will grow.

Most importantly, don’t neglect your time with God. Read your Bible, pray, and spend time with others who will build you up in your faith, and not tear you down. Be active in sharing your faith, and living your faith as well. Your faith is worthless without the acts of love and compassion that Christ commands. (James 2:14-17) In whatever you do, do it with Christ in mind, and remember that you can be used by God wherever, whenever, and with whatever you do. Make your life count for Jesus – let it not go to waste.

"14 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

2010-06-04T22:29:00.002-04:00

Brooke Fraser - Faithful

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

2010-05-27T21:49:00.002-04:00

It's been quite the adventure, being a part of PCA music for 14 years. Singing at concerts as a kid, playing the recorder, clarinet, and oboe in elementary school, and the violin all through high school. All those concerts, solos, recitals, competitions, and Beauty and the Beast. Grades 9-10 were definitely the best years, but this year wasn't too bad, and I got to 'conduct'! I know I've been blessed by God with the gift of music, and it brings me great joy just to be able to play music.

Psalm 43

2010-05-18T18:36:00.002-04:00

I read this today in my qt.

3 Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.

4 Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

It's tough to do that. Especially when there is so much out there in the world to distract and to put your trust in, even in godly people. Those people are important, and important to me and my life, but sometimes I need to stop and really think about where and who I'm putting my trust in first. Some days it's easy, some days it's hard. But I've gotta press on and just live it day by day I guess. Because the choices I make today will change the way my life turns out, and I have realized that it's not wise to make all these long term plans, because in the end, my plans will get smashed anyways, and there's no sense in putting my hope in my plans for the future and ignore what I do today, or get so caught up in great plans for myself that I forget about what I need to do now to get there. Romans 12 says to be transformed, and not conform. And I guess that could sum up what life should look like. Be transformed by God and his grace and mercy, and not conform to the ways of the world. I guess there are a lot of those 'summing up' things. Like loving God and your neighbour. The Bible even says that those two sum it up. If you do that, there shouldn't be many problems. And I guess for me, I still gotta learn to love God and to genuinely love my neighbour. But only with the help of God, hey?
Looking back now at the past couple weeks and my struggles with myself and with my decision for next year, I know I shouldn't have worried, because the door just keeps opening wider and wider, but my parents are also stepping into that door, but not really sure if they're going to go through with me, or walk and try to close it, or at least put a stopper in there and not let me go through right now. And as Pastor Ngor said, when God opens a door, just jump through and don't look back. I know I want to do this, and I've prayed and prayed and others have prayed with me and for me, and it still seems like theres a tug of war going on right now. I guess I'll have to wait and see for God's timing. From what I've experienced in the past little while, God doesn't speak in the ways that we expect it. So patience I guess, and faith and trust in God to allow me to make the right choice, and also respect and love for my parents and their place of authority over me. Because if God wants me on the mission field on the other side of the world, He'll get me there, and he will always provide.

2010-05-11T16:43:00.002-04:00

So went into Ship's Office today, and found out that my contract still isn't officially in. So I filled in my flight preference and all that, in hopes that I will find out soon. If things work out with that 3 week thing, I'll be gone from July 18 to August 10 in CFB Halifax, Stadacona. I put in for more work from July 1 to August 31, so we'll see if I get it or not.

2010-05-10T19:35:00.002-04:00

I hate feeling regrets, and I avoid it as much as possible. I make choices, and I stick by them and don't look back at the other options I had or at what might have happened if I had done something differently. Now I'm looking ahead and how I will look back at the end of the summer. I'm already feeling regrets for how I might spend my summer.

I am presented with the choice of taking the contract with the military, working at the church camp, or trying to find another job. I don't think going to the gym every day is an option for me, or just sitting around. I'm concerned about the amount of time I will spend doing something. I want to be busy, but I want to be doing some purposeful and that I'm interested in. I could volunteer at karate camp the rest of the summer, or laze around and enjoy life. Or be bored. I'm going in tomorrow to see if I can make my contract longer and try to stay on base for the full 8 weeks, but it's not very likely.

If I go the Halifax, I'll be there for 3 weeks, and 3 weeks only. I will be learning things, and I will be having a good time. I will not have to pay a cent, and I will be benefiting myself, and my country when I become trained to do more things. I will be able to play softball, but not attend all the games.

If I decide to reject my contract and work at church, I will risk not getting that job already because I already withdrew my application and told them I wasn't going to take it. I will suffer the unspoken resentment for not putting camp first, and jumping the gun by not thinking about my choice to withdraw the second I got my contract. If I do get the job, I will be working(or volunteering, depending on govt. funding) for 8 weeks straight, and I will be busy. I will be getting some job experience, but more importantly I will be serving the kids and serving God. I will also get to play softball without any other commitments.

If I decide to try to look for another job, I have a chance to have work for the full 8 weeks and maybe more, but I may not enjoy it or the hours may be crap and I might not get to play softball.

I'm not concerned about the money. I don't care about money. I think I'm over that now. I made a lot last summer, and I made a lot during the year, but it's not what drives me anymore. It's not a factor in what I do. The amount is not in question, but I would much rather take a job that involves payment. So I'm torn between taking that short contract, or trying to get the VBS job, or looking into something else.

2010-05-08T23:17:00.002-04:00

Last night I ditched my fellowship and went home after leading worship. I shouldn't have lead. I felt like crap and I had the worst attitude at the moment, and I was just not in the right mind to be up there looking like I was praising God. I didn't really care, I just wanted to get it over with and head home. Because it was just another games night. But what's my problem? I always blame things on the fellowship, because 'they just play games and eat food'. And I always say that I would much rather go somewhere else if all I'm going to do is eat food and play cranium. And I always say that I can't remember the last time we opened a Bible. But I guess it's my fault, and probably not the fellowships fault. And most times, I just want to get away from it, but I know that's not the right thing to do. And people always tell me to be the change and to step up and be a leader, and not just sit back and let things slide, because I am capable to do something, but sometimes it's hard to do it when it seems like nobody cares. And that's another problem. By now, we all know that assuming makes an ass out of you and me, so I guess I've made an ass out of myself and in my view, an ass out of the fellowship. So I guess I've had my pride crushed in the past 24 hours after talking to people about this matter. Because there are people that care, and it's just my attitude towards it. Not that my feelings aren't valid, but I guess my response is not the best one. Don't know where I'm going with this one, but I guess I've gotta change and step out of my comfort zone and not be the idiot I've been.

I asked God to upset my world last week, and I guess it's happened. With my parents, with fellowship, and other stuff going on, it's really been a test of my faith and trust in God and what he has in store for me. I guess on the grad trip I learned that I shouldn't make plans and have faith in the future, but just live day by day in faith and see what God has for me today, and not looking and living in future, and planning to follow God in the future and making plans for my life of faith. But living day by day, and making choices today and decisions about the present, because those choices will change the way things happen in the future, and my plans that are made today about tomorrow will be crushed anyways. I've learned that. So I've made the decision to apply for an internship in Mexico, and I guess my obstacle is my parents, and I don't really know whats going with that, because everything and everyone else screams for it to happen, and inside I'm just dying to get out of here, but my parents don't seem so on board with that. And maybe this is just my plans being crushed again, but we'll see. It's so easy to say that I trust in God, and that I have faith that what He's planned for me is good. In theory, it's great, it sounds great, and it looks great. But doing it and living it is a different story. Very different. Different, but exciting, and risky, and challenging, but definitely worth it. But of course, a lot of things are worth it, but at the moment, the safe way always seems like the better one. I'm almost done Brother Andrew's biography. It's a little scary how much he trusted God. And it's a little scary how much he gave up and how much he relied on God, for everything. But it's exciting, and definitely worth it.

Giving stuff up. I had a conversation with my sensei about my commitment to the schooland how much I could train in the next little while to prepare me to become a black belt instructor. And I hadn't thought about how much I would be giving up. I was scared to say that I would be going away, and that I had plans to take time off, and in the end, I told him that was what I was going to do, and it was so damn hard not to think about how my training or the level of attention they were giving me would change. But I guess that's a risk I have to take if I really think that following Christ is more important than karate. I knew that conversation would come up at some point, and I was not prepared, but I know I did the right thing. But it still hard to give things up. Friends, family, my job, karate, comforts of home. These are all things I'll have to give up or be away from. And it's all cliche and all, but what is the cost of following Christ? And yes, people always say you can stay home and be a witness at home, which I am trying to be, but when you take a step back, where is God needed more? There will always be churches and opportunities to hear about Jesus here and places close to here, but in places where it's closed up to Jesus, who's going to go? People always say there will be people who go, and there are people who go, but who's really going? I want to go, and I will go, but I've got to let God figure that one out.

School is almost over. I hate this word, but I guess it's bittersweet.

2010-05-07T23:13:00.001-04:00

Why do I care so much?

2010-05-05T17:41:00.002-04:00

I just want to get out here.

Last night I was faced with the opposition of my parents to what I want to do next year. Before I left, they had told me that whatever I decided to do, I would have their support. The options I had were all good ones, with purpose, and with a life of missions as the end result. But last night I felt shut down and left to deal with the reality that what I want and what 'is best for me' might not really come together in my parents' minds.

To me, it doesn't seem like a bad idea to take time off of school, in transition between high school and university to do something. That something won't just be spending money to travel in Europe, or even to make money with the military for a year and making big bucks. I want to do something meaningful and something that will make me a better person, and something that will give me some more direction. I don't want to be a cop anymore. But I am still going to go to school, just with a different focus. Not for myself, and for my career and an opportunity to make lots of money. I want to do something that will result in a life dedication to the missionfield, and raising up others to do the same. But it just seems like the tradition and the norm is to go to right to school, equip yourself, get yourself ready, get education, get life experience, get yourself into all these great things. And those aren't bad things, but do I have to go right away? I just want to do something different. I don't want to spend the next 4 years of life with my nose in a book, trying to live up to other people's standards and feel that "I've made it" because I got great marks, or that I failed, because the numbers weren't as high as the stranger sitting next to me.

He said to just jump through the door if it's open. And I see this as an open door. And there are some people who are keeping that door open, and others who are trying to close it, and point me to another open door, so I don't know what to do. I'm trying to listen to God, and I know that I haven't been trying nearly as hard as I should be, but it just seems like there's so many different voices in my head right now. And I can't tell if some of them are from God, some of them are God speaking through other people, or just my own selfish desires kicking in like they always do.

I've already made the decision. But I don't want to believe it, and I can't let myself believe it until I can get some sort of support from my parents, because I know I need to honor them and respect them. But time is running out, May 28 is when I have to let these damn universities know if I want to throw money at them or not. And I guess that's when I have to decide about Mexico and get confirmation from Eddie. Because if somehow that falls through and I've rejected schools, then I'm a sitting duck in a big lake and it's pissing rain.

2010-05-03T13:30:00.004-04:00

Back from Mexico. For the second time. And this time I want to go back. And I think I will be back. I didn't pay attention to the teaching and messages the first time around. This time I did, and it's not like it was anything I hadn't heard before, but it all made a lot more sense with all the other things that have been going on since December. Quite weird actually, all the things that have been happening since December. Didn't think that this trip would work out the way we hoped it would, but I guess it was really good. People had fun, didn't complain, and we did something good, and didn't just throw all our money at things we would wear once. More purposeful I guess.
So if things work out, I'll be back in Mexico in September and coming home in August of 2011. I just want to get away from things. Don't want to go to school right away and 'waste' another section of my life reading books and competing with people who actually care about what they're studying. I'll still go, but I don't want to go right away. In Mexico, I'll be learning a lot about myself, and about God'w work around the world, and being able to show that to other young people from around North America. And I know I'll have a better idea of what I want to study. If I do go, I think it will be hard to tear myself away from stuff. Like my family and friends, and karate and my job. Friends I think is going to be a big one. And then back to school the next fall. I applied for criminology because I wanted to be a cop. I don't care about that anymore. But I guess that's a good thing, because I don't want to do something for myself, but something "for a purpose greater than myself". I just don't care anymore. I guess we'll see what's in store for me. Something I have to remember is that it's not what God's will is for me, but what is God's will, and how do I make my life fit into that?

So back into normal life now, back into the routine again. This weekend is family studies sleepover, the weekend after is New York trip, and then the next week is Formal. What a month. And then school is pretty much over.

And off I go to Halifax. I got my contract, praise God, and I'll be there for a little while. Still got to go in and get my flight and travel docs, but this will be exciting, first flight and far off trip with the military. I wonder if I can be bumped up the line at the airport.

Goodbye high school(almost).

2010-04-19T20:49:00.001-04:00

What wondrous love is this?

And still I screw it up.

2010-04-19T19:51:00.001-04:00

Run as fast as you can the other way...

2010-04-17T17:38:00.002-04:00

I got the profile of the boy I'm sponsoring in Senegal. His name is Bécaye Ka, and he's 3 and 1/2 years old. I think this is a better way to spend my money.

2010-04-14T23:03:00.002-04:00

Choices, choices, choices. So many to make.

--

Tonight's karate was great. I went to the mothership school to train. I haven't been there since I got my orange belt. We started grading at our own place, so there was no need to go down there. I volunteered at the kids camp there 2 summers ago, but I didn't see any of those kids. Or they just grew up. In class, I'm always at the end of the line where the highest belts are, but today I was at the other end of the line. It was definitely different, but it was a great experience. I got to catch up with some buddies, and then I went back to my usual place and wrestled for half an hour. I love it.

2010-04-13T22:17:00.004-04:00

I don't know. I want to say, "Where is the love of Christ?" but that would be taking things out of context(or would it?), and I would like to quote scripture, but that would be just making things worse at the moment. I want to understand, and I want to make change. But how far can I go beyond the initiative and the efforts of the ones involved?

--

Make disciples.

--

Being Forgiving Doesn't Always Mean Forgiving
Tyler Kenney

Ardel Caneday, New Testament professor at Northwestern College and one who has devoted special attention to the Gospel of Mark, has been gracious to interact with me and others in the comments section of my recent post on reconciliation.

One of the things he pointed out is that we need to be careful to distinguish between being forgiving and actually forgiving sins—a distinction that I didn't clearly make.

If we tell others, "I forgive your sin" even though they refuse to acknowledge their sin, we remove the very incentive the gospel places upon them to confess their sins and to seek forgiveness. If we take preemptive action by granting forgiveness of sin to those who do not repent, on what basis could the church ever follow the procedures of Matthew 18:15-17?

There is a proper biblical or gospel order. We are to imitate God. God forgives the sins of those who repent (cf. 1 John 1:9). Likewise, we must always grant forgiveness to those who repent (cf. Luke 17:3).

In Mark 11:25 Jesus calls us to be forgiving. Scripture requires us to distinguish between being forgiving, which is the virtue of always being ready and eager to forgive, and the act of forgiving, which is the actual remission of the sin done against us. Thus, as God is always forgiving, which means that he is eager and desirous to forgive, and as God forgives those who repent, so godliness/Christlikeness is to be and to do the same.

2010-04-12T21:28:00.003-04:00

Jesus: Make disciples. Who will make disciples. Who will make disciples. Who will make disciples. Exponential growth.

--

I had lunch with the Ontario director for Campus for Christ today, and had a chance to hear his vision and view of missions and how it works with the campus. Totally crazy and radical. I don't know if I have accepted it just yet, but it seems like something I want to be a part of. My head is still spinning and swimming with ideas. Just so many things and options coming my way right now.

--

The will of God and 'calling' was explained to me like this.

It's like marriage and finding a spouse. Some believe that it's like a pinhead, where there is only one for you, and God has picked this person out, and your job is to go find that person. The other way to look at it is that there are boundaries, and you cannot go outside of those boundaries, such as a non-Christian, someone who is already married, etc. Boundaries placed by God. If you adhere to the pinhead point of view, you'll never find a spouse because you'll be worried if it was the 'right' choice. If you live by God's boundaries and see that God knows who you will marry, but does not smite you for choosing the wrong one, then it's pretty different. And I guess it's like seeing where you can serve God.
I always wondered what would happen if I did something that was not 'God's call for me'. I asked the question if God would bless me more or bless me less if I did something in line with his Word and commands, but wasn't 'what he chose for me'. And I guess it's not like that at all. Jesus does not love me more if I do something for him or if I don't do something. Jesus does not love me more if I become a martyr for His name or if I tell me neighbour next door about Him. Jesus does not love me more if I become a preacher versus sleeping around and partying it up every weekend. God loves me and can see me through what Jesus did for me..because of what Jesus did for me.

So I think now it's not a question of 'will this be the wrong thing?', but 'where can I be the most effective with my skills and experiences and where I am now in life?'

--

I want to be involved in something bigger than a fellowship that is just for its members, or fun times. I want to get out there and make an impact. I'm not against fellowship or small groups or anything like that. But I don't think it's enough to grow yourself or grow your group and just let it be a personal thing. We always say that we should be more involved with our community, but nothing happens.

"Why complain? Be the change that you want to see happen or that you see is lacking."

Yes.

2010-04-06T21:57:00.003-04:00

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:12

I believe that's true, but the struggle against flesh and blood sure is a hard one. And I believe that there is a connection there between the flesh and blood, and the spiritual forces that try to make us stumble. It's like an internal war. Even though it seems like it shouldn't be. And I know it shouldn't be. I know that I can't do this alone, but at the same time, I know it's my own responsibility and that I am not a slave to anything. So God help me, but me, help myself as well. I can do this.

--

Wasting my time on youtube, found a comment on a video:

"dude repentance is a walk, not a snap of God's fingers and makin you perfect all of a sudden or we'd never rely on Him again. It's about changing our direction from where the world wants us to head to towards where we need to head, but you haven't really repented until you've walked down the road in God's direction. And it's not just sinners that have to do it, even Christians have stuff they gotta turn from, and I know coz I am one"

Way too often I ask God to forgive me, and that's it. It's not that way, and I am wrong to ask for forgiveness with out repenting and changing my ways. It does no good to ask for forgiveness and then keep on sinning and asking for forgiveness from God. It just doesn't work that way. But I find myself stuck there an awful lot.

2010-04-04T23:49:00.003-04:00

It doesn't seem right to me that I'm sitting here on my computer while people don't know about Jesus.

2010-04-03T22:11:00.004-04:00

I've been outside so much this weekend. The weather is great.

I played softball yesterday, and today. I miss it. Even though I'm not very good, I think I'm getting better.

I tried out my new running thing that I think I'll be working on from now. If I can wake up my lazy self to run before school.

--

Outreach was quite different than it was the previous times, as I expected. I didn't know what would be different, but I knew that something would have changed from the last time I did it. I know that I changed as a person since that last time.
We went out and stared doing the survey on Easter, and most people were just ignoring us and didn't go past the survey, like we expected. We came up to this one gentleman who was just sitting in the square eating cheese and crackers, and he was okay to do the survey. We kind of got the sense that he knew something about Jesus, but that he might not have the whole picture. So somehow(I forget how) we eventually sat down with him, and he was being very honest and open with us, telling us about how he was brought up in church, and abandoned his faith as a teenager until his mom died last year and he began to take up religion again. He was telling us about how he was just trying to live right, and that he thought very highly of Jesus. He kept going on and on about how great Jesus was, but he said that he was just trying to learn more and more about Jesus, and spent his own personal time thanking God for his life and just living right with himself. So we tried our best to encourage him and try to answer the questions he had, and he was a little taken back by how young we were, and that we were in the place that we were in our lives with our connection with God. He was 53, and he was just a guy trying to make it like we all are, but he said something that I don't hear from a lot of people. He said he didn't fear anything, and that it didn't matter what anyone said or did to him. He said that he feared nothing on earth, because the worst that anyone could do was kill him, and then they couldn't do anything else to him. But he did say that he did fear what was beyond, and how Christ could condemn him or send him to heaven, and that's when I noticed that he hadn't said anything about assurance or what his motivation was for living the way he wanted to(just for him to be right with God and to be 'good'), so we asked him that question, but he said he was just trying to learn. He asked us to share with him how we got to where we are, and he was just so surprised with us and I guess he was happy to see how we had turned out. He left us with telling us that before his mom died, she had always said to him that God works in mysterious ways. And he thought that the two of us coming to sit down and have a conversation with him while he was just sitting there was just amazing. And I do believe that God worked in a very mysterious, yet wonderful way in his life, and also our(my partner and I) lives at that moment. We prayed with him and encouraged him to learn more and to continue to read his Bible and search for a relationship with God. Totally unexpected.

So we didn't convert anyone. We didn't get to share the gospel with everyone we met. We only spoke to a few who weren't insanely rude. But I think this is just like Senegal, just planting the seeds, and maybe one day, they'll think back, or someone else will talk to them, or something else will happen, and we'll all be a part of that.

Missions for me has just come alive, and I've just seen a whole new side of it. Someone talked to me last night, and I was telling him about how I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. He told me to just jump right in there, and just listen to God. If you could put my life priorities into a bucket of sand, and pour my priorities into a sieve, lately I feel like a lot of things have just fallen through and don't really matter to me as much as they did before. I feel like I can let go of things. And what is left is my relationship with God, and a heart for missions. There are lots of things that shouldn't be there as well, but I feel like those things are slowly going away, and I don't know if it's such a great thing(or maybe it is?) that I'm starting not to put things like school or work or even karate as high on my list anymore, and even after a month back from Senegal, I still feel this fire inside to go somewhere and make a difference.
My relationship with God is still a battle against myself and the things of the flesh, but I think the difference now is that I'm not trying to fight by myself, but I'm learning more and more to depend on God and not let myself fall into the lie that just because I've accepted Christ, I can never lose my salvation. I can't keep living and doing the same things, and just ask for forgiveness and think that it's all good. I don't know if that's something that most everyone struggles with, but I sure know that I do.
I went to the Passion Play this year. It's a big play produced by Queensway Cathedral that's been running for the past 18 years and it's a play about the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. I went when I was younger a few times, and I just went this year, and all I can remember was that when Jesus came out of the tomb(complete with fireworks and a loud bang and angels everywhere) all I could think of was that picture on the Evenagecube where Jesus is risen, and how whenever I showed someone the cube I always put emphasis on that, that Jesus not only died, but he rose again. And I guess I never got that when I was a kid. Is there really more to just growing up in Church and a Christian school and being 'saturated' by Christianity your whole life? I think there is, and I'm just beginning to see that now. And I'm glad that I am, and just like I asked that man at Dundas square if he had taken ownership if his mother's faith, I know that I've taken ownership of my parent's, or church's, or school's faith. It's mine now, and it's amazing, even when it doesn't seem that way.

--

The Irony of the Cross

Abraham Piper

Colossians 1:20 - “. . . making peace through the blood of his cross . . .”

How did God take evil, despicable people like us and make us acceptable? By the most evil, despicable deed ever committed.

God reconciled sinners to himself through the blood of the cross. Murder is the extent of hatred—we cannot be farther from God than when we murdered him!—yet that is how he made peace with us. We can draw near to God because of the very act that pushed us the farthest away from him.

So God did not just save us from our sin—he saved us with our sin. And he did not just save us with our sin, but with our worst sin. And not just with our worst sin, but with our worst possible sin. And not just with our worst possible sin, but with the worst possible sin!

Our sin in crucifying Christ made our sanctification possible. We are saved by the very thing we need salvation from. So our depravity is not hopeless: We cannot be worse than what the Lord will save, because he has saved us by means of our very worst.

What a blessed, yet sorrowful, irony Good Friday is. And what a mysteriously kind God, who works even the hatred of those who love him for their good!

--

2010-03-31T23:24:00.007-04:00

Tomorrow will be different then the previous times. My hope is that this time I will really share the Gospel with a passion and conviction, for myself, and not just because it's part of training or it's 'good practice'. This is not very much different than Senegal. The culture and people may be different, but we're still going to be planting seeds, and I never knew what to expect in Africa, and I don't know what to expect tomorrow, except that I'm going to do God's work, and who knows what could happen, or not happen.

--

Missions: a call for some, or a command for all? I believe it's a command for all. So I think the question isn't whether or not you/I are called to missions, but(specifically) where and how?
I need to listen for God. It's been so hard lately. So many distractions. So many things coming into my head when I'm trying to spend some quiet time to read the Bible and just meditate and pray over what I should be doing with my life. Maybe I'm not thinking about the right thing.

2010-03-28T22:06:00.002-04:00

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Proverbs 1:7

I've most definitely have lacked wisdom in some choices I've made recently. And I think it does start with fearing God and really understanding for myself the reality of it. It being why I should fear God and why He is worthy to be feared.

Fear in love, respect, reverence, sheer joy and literal fear.

In Psalm 130:3-4, it says, "If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.

And I've been needed to set my priorities straight. If I want to serve God fully, I need to submit to him fully, and obey him fully, and need to find all of my satisfaction in Christ. Nehemiah says that the joy of the Lord is your strength. That has been difficult for me to grasp and for me to really know what it means. And I don't know if I will ever fully get that as long as I'm in this world. But I can strive to let the joy of knowing Christ be what drives me. The joy of knowing Christ will inevitably make me want to share that with others.

And somehow I guess that links back into the fear of the Lord. Everything links back to Jesus, somehow. And I guess reading the Bible has been different for me when I read it with that mindset.

Today I am confused and have not collected my thoughts properly.

2010-03-23T21:39:00.003-04:00

I've been listening to sermons on my iPod in bed before I sleep for awhile now. Last night I listened to one about missions and dying to self and dying for gain in Christ. And usually I'm just falling asleep and trying to stay awake to hear people interpreting the Word, but last night I was wide awake the whole 50 minutes. And much longer after that. John Piper spoke about serving Christ with your whole life, and not wasting one bit of it for your own desires, but really putting yourself out there and using your whole life to serve God and advance His kingdom on earth. He talked about the martyrs and the people out there right now that are serving God and risking their lives. The Bible says that the things found in God are better life. Better than life. Revelations says that there is a 'number' or 'amount' set by God of people who will suffer and die for the sake of Christ before He returns to gather us up. Paul says to live if Christ, and to die is gain. To gain in death, for the sake of Christ and sharing the Gospel. He spoke of the North American lifestyle, where we call ourselves Christians, but then work for money and fame our whole lives, and then decide to waste away the last 15 years of our lives spending the money we've worked for and stored up for ourselves, and then go see the King. And what a way to waste a life, he says. And of course, there's the one that says that not everyone is called to missions or people are called to give or pray, but I now believe that everyone who loves God and calls themselves a Christian should have a missions mindset. And then there's the one that says that the mission field is here, and it most definitely is, but it's also out there as well, here and abroad. And then there's the civilian worker who is witnessing to his colleagues(heck, the apostle Paul was a tentmaker), and then Jesus was a missionary his whole life, as were the rest of the disciples and all of the early Christians. It's commanded in Scripture and it's the heartbeat of Jesus and his whole life story.
Last night was like assault-by-thoughts-and-convictions. It's just been everything being thrown my way these past few months. Urbana, turning my life over to Christ for real after 13 years of living the nominal Christian life, going to Africa and being exposed to a mission field there, coming back home and seeing how lost we are here, spiritually and everywhere else, just like in Africa and everywhere else, and all these things I keep reading and finding in the Bible that make me want to just drop everything and go. Or could I? Could I really drop everything? That's what I've been struggling with for the past little while. I've been feeling a very strong call to missions, long term missions and to just stop wasting my life. But then there's the other side that's saying that education is not a waste and it's the way to get somewhere in the world, or that if I'm not really 'called' to missions, I'm left here to serve in this mission field without an education and I'm pretty much a sitting duck. But then again, does it really matter? Does it REALLY matter? Do these things really matter? Education, a job, status, hobbies, a house, things, more things, and more things. And more things! The world says yes. Definitely yes. Collect more, become rich, become famous, then go give your wealth to the poor, just throw money at them and they'll be okay. Or go free the slaves, that's always a good one. But you free them from hunger, you free them from sickness, you free them from sex slavery, you free them from war, but they are still dead. They are still spiritually dead. They're still going to hell, and they've still never heard about Jesus, and they never will. They're still not free. And I've been guilty of this one too. Not that it's not important. Of course it is. The Bible is pepper sprayed with helping the poor, and freeing the slaves, and lifting them out of oppression, and feeding the hungry and clothing the naked, it even says that those actions are true signs of faith in God. But we can't forget the Gospel. And here we go with where my head is at now.

I've had three major trains of thought, or 'sections' in my brain.

1. I feel called to be a missionary somewhere else, long term. I want to serve God with my whole life. I don't want to waste my life, starting now or soon. There are unreached people and Jesus does command us to go to the ends of the earth.

2. I feel called and want to go on missions because I just got back from Urbana and Africa and all these things I've been discovering and bombarded with. I'm feeling gung ho for God and spreading the Gospel because of what I've just experienced, and maybe it's just a phase and I'll go back to sharing the Gospel back home, which is right and commanded in Scripture as well.

3. I want to go on long term missions more for the first reason than the second, but I'm still seriously considering whether or not I can really(or make myself) give up the things at home, like comfort and friends and family, and things I've worked hard for, like karate, the navy, my education, my music.

And then there's always the one of balancing between missions at home, and missions abroad, which is kind of like number 2. Because both are right, and both need to be done. Back to number 3. Jesus does not promise a comfortable life, he says that there will be suffering that there will be trials. The means and the result of dying to self is suffering. The means, and the result. But the end is so much greater. The joy of knowing Christ and being with Him one day should be the most important thing, leaving behind everything, and once again, not wasting my life. Jesus says give up everything and live for God, go out there and make disciples, and you could die. To die is gain, says the apostle Paul. One chilling example from that sermon last night: In Japan, they crucified 70 missionaries upside down on the beach in low tide. Imagine this. The lapping waves, and a man crucified, with his wife to one side, and his 16 year old daughter to the other. Could I really do that? Could I really put my life out there to serve Christ? Could I really? Now not saying that all missionaries have to die, and not all of them become martyrs, and that's not the goal, but that is part of it, just like giving up material things.

So now what? I shall pray.

'Be still, and know that I am God.'
Psalm 46:10

And I think in times like these, I need to do that and really try to hear the voice of God.

2010-03-20T18:19:00.003-04:00

Last stretch of school, here we come.
Let's make it a good one. Because your future depends on this, doesn't it! Of course not, but I'll make the best of it.

2010-03-18T15:29:00.000-04:00

It's such a beautiful day.

2010-03-17T13:54:00.001-04:00

The Gretsch is fixed and I'm enjoying it more than ever.

2010-03-17T09:37:00.001-04:00

God's timing is so perfect and mysterious. Going on this trip after my grandfather's death definitely changed the whole trip for me. But in a good way, a very good way. And I can only give credit to Jesus for that. I had no idea that it would turn out this way, and even leaving on that plane I wanted to come home and be with my family. But as I processed my decision and continued to pray and ask God why and for guidance, it all fell together, and even though I still felt sadness, I knew I was in Africa not for myself, but for God and for those kids, who needed Jesus much more than I needed to be at home with my family. At first, heavenly treasures seem almost abstract and it was hard for me to really grasp what that meant, storing up treasures in heaven rather than on earth.
As I shared with that man in Dalifort the message of the Gospel and the last image on the evangecube showed the choice between heaven and hell, the words just spilled out and I began to talk about my grandfather and his decision to be with Jesus and how he was there in heaven at that moment, having gone just 4 days earlier. I can say for sure that those words didn't come from me. And I guess it is true, God does use people, in a literal way too. And the amazing thing is that this man entrusted his life to Christ and his family and a lot of the village kids were listening intently. And this is God's work and the Holy Spirit among us and the people there. I've always been told that God can use anyone to do anything and any situation, but I never really experienced that or believe it to be true until now. God has used all the members of the team to do His work and we have all been used in ways that we probably had never thought possible. God used the situation of grandpa's death to show me his love and power to change lives, and to show me how he can indeed use times of suffering to glorify himself.
As I was shown multiple times in Africa, I take so many things for granted. The obvious things are clean water, food, clothing, education, a place to live..the list goes on. But the biggest one, and probably the most subtle, is the Gospel. Here in North America, we hear it all the time, especially for people who have been brought up in church and a Christian school. Day in, day out, that's all you hear. And we think we know it and we think we're experts on it and we preach it like we're all righteous and whatever. But the people outside of here, like in Senegal, they don't know about it. And they're in bondage to other things, and when they hear about Jesus, they're genuinely interested, and they actually believe that it's good news. To us, it's just the same thing repeated over and over again and it's so watered down. But to them, they believe it for what it is: good news. They believe that it's a message of hope and they're happy to hear that there's another way than Islam or their animistic beliefs.
The kids are so happy.
And the church in Senegal is so alive, as alive as the North American church and maybe even more. Probably even more. We need our lights and powerpoint and expensive instruments and spot-on AV teams and schedules. We think that these things 'make the service', when it really doesn't. They've got a room smaller than my garage, a pulpit, and a drum. The people know the words by heart, and in 50 million different parts. They worship like there's no tomorrow in their garage church, while we're here worrying about a million different things that we buy to make worship better or more 'right'. Something a speaker at Urbana challenged us with: If all the bells and whistles, all the lights and fancy gadgets are taken away, is it still worship?
We have so much, and we're still not happy. We want more and more, and it just doesn't stop. These people in Senegal have as many sets of clothing as we have meals a day. Or even less. Lots of kids don't get to go to school, and here we are, going to spend thousands of dollars on a piece of shiny paper and a head full of more facts. But they're so happy. That's the difference. They're happy to play with broken toys and eat candy from foreigners and to run around with a busted soccer ball. They're so much happier than we are, even though we've got so much more. Goes to show that stuff can't make you happy. And sure, there's the thought that they're so happy because they don't know about all the stuff that we have, so they're simple and whatever, but I don't think that's it. They are so simple, but simple and happy. And they would be even happier with Jesus. And you can just see that the people there that know Jesus are just that much happier, and are more than happy to share Jesus with everyone around them. Unlike us.
But I guess it's so much easier to just ignore them and worry about our own problems. Not that we should throw everything away and try to live like them, but I believe that we have been given these blessings and gifts from God so that we could help others, and see the difference in what we have and what they have.
All I can do now for them is to pray that the seeds that we planted over there would someday grow and that the Holy Spirit would work among them. And for the new believers over there. That they would get involved in the church and grow and learn more, so that they will also go out and make new believers. And for the church and missionaries in Senegal. Their selfless faith and attitude is something that I am striving for.
After going on three missions trips, I have developed a growing desire to help others in parts of the world that are less fortunate than here at home. Mexico '08 was my first experience with poverty, and totally changed the way I thought the world was. Texas '09 wasn't as impacting, but got me to see what places are like close to home that have been hit by disaster, and how Christians are helping out. Senegal '10 has opened up my mind and shown me how God works in our lives and in other parts of the world, and how much we need to obey Jesus and go into the whole world, here and abroad, to share his love with everyone. We can't give up one for the other, because Jesus commands us to witness at home, and to the ends of the earth. I think the difficult thing for me now is to carry out what I did in Senegal here at home. It's so hard to go out there to a new place and get out of my comfort zone, yet it's so much easier out there, because I've never seen them before and I'll likely never see them again. But at home, it's just as hard because of my pride and worrying about what they might think of me. And so much easier, because these people are right here, and I know who they are and that they need Jesus just as much as the people on the other side of the globe.

2010-02-26T05:47:00.002-05:00

And off on my third cross-cultural trip.

God is with me, and I know it.

2010-02-26T00:40:00.002-05:00

I watched him go.

To a better place.

Colossians 3:1-4

2010-02-25T08:08:00.001-05:00

"I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles."

Isaiah 42:6

We're almost there...

2010-02-23T17:37:00.004-05:00

Steps to recovery. A lot of brokenness and broken relationships. But I believe that this is what it's all about. Reconciliation with God and with others.

--

Philippians 1:21

"To live is Christ, and to die is to gain."

To live is Christ? To die is to gain? Friends, money, pornography, fame, all the joys of this world, will all die with me when I die. To live now in Christ and to find my joy and my only desire in Him is to live. To gain in my death is to be alive in Christ and my reward in heaven after death. To put my desires in God and chase after him and to find my satisfaction and joy in Christ is to live. To desire the things of this world and chase after the desires of the flesh and identify with the world is to lose in my life, and to lose in my death.
To gain in death....

2010-02-22T23:36:00.003-05:00

I can now see why God hates our sins so much. I hate my sin. I hate it. It makes me feel so dirty. It hurts the people around me, because of my own doing. It hurts me, because of my guilt and shame and regret over my bad choices. It piles on me a mountain of shame and the reminders that I am weak and that I am born sinful and have become friends with my shortcomings. Most importantly, it hurts God, and makes me treat the cross like a joke. And I don't want it to be that way. It can't be that way. Confession is so damn hard. And I can't say for sure whether or not I can honestly say that it's been beneficial to me right now, but I can hope that it is a start on a path to healing and redemption. With the grace and help of God.

2010-02-21T22:17:00.001-05:00

By the grace of God.

2010-02-21T16:54:00.001-05:00

My ISP essay outline is 3000 words, 8 pages, single spaced. What a waste of time.

2010-02-21T00:16:00.003-05:00

You gave me hope
You made me whole at the cross
You took my place
You showed me grace at the cross where you died for me

And his glory appears like the light from the sun
Age to Age he stands
Look to the skies
Hear the angles cry
Singing holy is the Lord

--

This is the only song I've listened to this whole weekend. The tune never gets old. Same with the message behind it. As I've been confronted with my sins once again this weekend, and writing an essay about guilt, bad choices, and regrets, as well as listening to this song, plus reading a few passages as part of my scripture reading, plus the devotion from this weeks fellowship and conversations with friends...man I'm making connections like magic here. And I'm convinced that these things don't happen by accident. Mysterious..but once again, I know it in my head, and it's time to live it out. They're words in a song, but it's not good until I take it upon myself to stop living for myself. It still blows my mind, and by the grace of God He can make it happen.

2010-02-19T10:18:00.001-05:00

131 days until graduation. And then I'm off to British Columbia. I love the Navy.

2010-02-16T21:59:00.004-05:00

I need some rest. And I'm getting it. Good, good.

Reading through Revelations now. It's quite different than when we read it in grade 9 Bible class. A lot different.

I listened to a sermon last night about the perceived irrelevance of the Bible and how it might seem offensive to some cultures, using the example of how a lot of our heroes of faith had multiple wives or did things that we think are horrible, and all those stories in the OT of that sort of stuff. He explained that all these stories and profiles of these people aren't condoning this stuff, but if you read carefully, all of the time it leads to destruction and bad things happen because of their sin, so it's not condoning it, but showing that it is indeed wrong, and that these people are human too. He then went to talk about how when we read the scriptures, we may not be reading the way we're supposed to. In the story of the Road to Emmaus, he showed us how Jesus explained to the two travelers 'beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.' So everything in the scriptures somehow points to Jesus. Everything from the beginning to the end. I never saw this and I think this will give me a new way of reading and studying and meditating on scriptures. Everything points back to Jesus. It's not just a story or a bunch of rules or poems. It's all pointing to Jesus. Cool beans.

2010-02-12T23:46:00.000-05:00

The pursuit of something else altogether that results in unity.

2010-02-08T22:54:00.004-05:00

This week is a new week of my life. It's going to hard. I'm going to think to myself 'What the hell am I doing?' But I am going to do it anyways. I'm going to do it. It does amount to nothing in the end when I've just sat in the comfort zone. And it really amazes me how I've waited so long. But better now than never. Much better now. So help me God.

--

What did Jesus do? Who did he hang out with? He became flesh and invited himself over to our place, where we are comfortable. He came to save the lost and to love.

'Love your neighbour'

And of course, we all know that one.

'Jesus came and had meals with tax collectors and prostitutes and the people that the Pharisees hated'

And of course, we've heard that one too.

And even this one.

'Love God'

And yes, we say it, but man do we butcher that and abuse that and just kill that. If we truly do love God, then everything else will follow. This love for God will translate into the love for others.

Love your neighbour. But do we really believe it? No. We know it, just like we know that we're saved by faith through grace and that it's not by works. But do we really believe it? Have we experienced it? I don't think so. We're too comfortable here. And in our school, of all places, where we've got the message of Christ shoved down our throats every day, we are the just as guilty, if not more, of not doing the things that we preach. Love your neighbour. We've been saved. We've been given something that we could not earn. And there are people out there that see us and we give our selves the titles and labels of "Christians". What do they see? Like Paul, the self proclaimed 'chief of sinners', I am so guilty of this, so dirty, and have been so full of myself.

So I am going to go from today, and just go at it a day at a time. No long term goals, no big weekly commitments. Just one day at a time, learning and trying to love those that we as a class just don't love.

2010-02-07T22:26:00.001-05:00

From Dad's email:

Mom and I learned when we visited grand pa this evening that the night-shift nurse who looked after grand pa last night and is also caring for him tonight has been praying for him. She is a fellow Christian who prays for her patients, "people whom God put under her care." I said to her that God has sent an angel to look after my father. Her response was, "angels come in many forms". She believes in sharing the blessings she has received with her patients. She also felt that she needs to pray for those who can't pray for themselves, like my father who has been sedated and is in a state of "deep sleep". This is very much a "missional" mindset: taking the church to the people/world and blessing them.

Again, on the surface, grand pa's situation has remained about the same: stable, making some small progress. Thank you again for your continued prayers. Please pray for God's healing, comfort and presence.

2010-02-05T22:51:00.001-05:00

It is my hope for us that we will grow as individuals and that we will grow together.

2010-02-02T19:03:00.002-05:00

It's heartbreaking to see your mom cry. It's heartbreaking to see your grandfather's chest rise and fall because of a machine. It's heartbreaking to see your dad upset, but doing his best to hold back tears, because he's a dad.

I believe that life and death is all a part of the natural flow of things. I also believe that God is good and that he loves us. I believe that God showers blessings on us. There have been so many moments in the past 2 weeks that could have been seen as opportunities to question God, but there have just been an overwhelming amount of things that have been blatant blessings from God and ways that He has shown himself to us. 1 Peter 1:6,7 says that even though we may face troubles and trials, those are only to make our faith stronger and more pure, and result in praise and honor and glory to God and Jesus Christ being revealed. I don't know what it is, but I believe that to be true, and even more true through this whole situation in the past little while.

So hang on, grandpa.

2010-02-01T19:02:00.000-05:00

Listening to The Scientist and watching our compilation video. How fitting.

2010-01-30T17:20:00.003-05:00

Canadian Forces appreciation night tomorrow at the Air Canada Center. I got courtside seats for free. Bringing mom and dad :)

2010-01-28T22:31:00.001-05:00

Be still and know that I am God.
Pslam 46:10

2010-01-25T21:30:00.003-05:00

Love like Jesus. Respect like Jesus. Forgive like Jesus. Accept like Jesus. Be patient like Jesus.

I think I am more mindful, or even just being mindful now as opposed to before where I didn't care and these things never even occurred to me.

I started reading up on the beatitudes lately and I think I'm going to be mindful of those too.

It has to follow a process.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,
for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure of heart,
for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Becoming poor in spirit, leading to mourning because of that poorness, leading to meekness and a self surrender of everything, which leads to a hunger and thirst for something(righteousness), which leads to giving and receiving mercy, making peace among others, and ultimately to being persecuted for that. Inheriting the kingdom of God, being comforted, inheriting the earth, being satisfied of hunger and thirst, being on the receiving end of mercy, seeing and experiencing God, becoming and being called a child of God, and back to the kingdom of God.

Still figuring it out...

2010-01-21T15:27:00.003-05:00

160 days.

2010-01-19T22:25:00.001-05:00

I beat Assassins Creed 2 three days ago, and I beat COD4 this afternoon.

2010-01-18T18:14:00.003-05:00

And here we go...study study study. It's my hope that people will do well, but to also take a moment to step back and think about where their worth lies in this big mess of university acceptances and marks and all that jazz.

Damned tendinitis kicking in again. I don't think it will ever go away.

2010-01-12T23:17:00.005-05:00

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the whole concept of salvation and what it means to call myself a Christian or a believer in Christ. I never really thought about it before, before I went to Urbana, and I always just said I grew up in a Christian home and that I was told about the Bible and Jesus when I was 4 years old. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I really realized that I needed Jesus or that I needed forgiveness for my sins. I think I lived my life all along and went to church and listened to my parents and had all the right answers. I served in the church through children's ministry and on worship teams since I was in junior high. I feel like I never really realized what it meant to be a Christian until very recently. The core beliefs of Christianity are that we are all sinners, that Christ died for our sins in our place, and we have hope for a life in Christ as saved people and are commanded to spread this gospel and to love God and others. I don’t really think that I ever believe that I needed God or that I was a sinner until I repented of my sins and brought my struggles to God at Urbana. As time went on in church and fellowship I didn’t always feel like going and I felt this void in my life that just couldn’t be filled, even thought I was going to church and doing all the right things most of the time and still praying and reading the Bible from time to time. Now when I think about it, I would have to say that I became a Christian in December, 2009. When I mean Christian, I don’t mean just the title, but how I act and what I actually believe and my brokenness when I think of my sins. In the book of Acts, it shows how the people were named Christians, not because of who they were or what they believed in, but how they acted and what they did because of their faith. They need this new name because they were one in Christ, but from many other cultures and in lots of places at the time spread out all over the world, but they were all united by one purpose and their lives were turned around. I think that I made a big U turn last month, and I just feel like everything is okay now, even though on the surface I know that most things are not okay for me right now. I still struggle with a lot of things, but now I have this confidence and faith in Him that I haven’t had before for the longest time. I am rewriting my testimony now, and I am finally seeing how I was before Jesus, and how I saw that I needed Jesus, and now how I am with Jesus. It's not going to the 'grew up in Christian home, always went to church, served in the church, do my devotions, "trying to keep up my spiritual life"' kind of testimony. I never understood or experienced the concept of grace until now. I am saved by grace, through faith. I didn't realize that I needed grace until now. I think that if we don't see that we have a need for grace and mercy, then there is really no way to really experience what is really like to be saved. I think I never grasped the whole concept of grace because I just didn't feel like I needed it and never gave it much thought. But now it's just taken on a whole new meaning for me, instead of being something I had in a learned way, but now in an experienced and something that I am experiencing. I didn't really believe what I was saying I believed for all those years, but now it all makes sense to me. I couldn't really find a better word for it today besides 'hope', but I think that word really sums up what it is. And faith, and love. And as Paul says, love is the most important out of those three. Faith, hope, and love. There's just so much going on in my head right now, and I don't know when and if I'll ever really sort it all out, but I'm sure of one thing.

I'm seeing more and more how this belief or following of Christ is so much more than an individual thing, but really relational and not just for me or someone else, but for both of us, for all of us. I can't just keep this inside, and that's what I'm striving to do, even with so little time here now, I'm going to try to make the best of it, and really just pour out and try to show others the joy and redemption I've found. I feel like a lot of us are missing part of the whole story of the gospel in terms of the individual and relational concept. The whole life of Jesus wasn't just going and saving individuals and showing himself to individuals and just saving us as individuals, but so much more than that, through just what he did and how he acted and where his time was spent and who it was spent with. I never really got that either, and now I'm seeing that I just totally missed the boat there, and I think now I'm on a mission. I don't really know where it's going to take me, but this Bible study/guys group is a place to start. If the apostles and persecuted church of the past and today were/are willing to give up their lives and be tortured for the sake of Christ's mission, I think it just right that it's okay to be slightly uncomfortable here in our comfortable lifestyle. So God help me.

Someone challenged me with something that I had never thought about before. Would my life be or look any different if God disappeared? And would my life look any different than a non-believer if Sunday morning church/other church things were taken away? I think this is something that we should all think long and hard about.

2010-01-11T19:41:00.003-05:00

I just deleted all the music I've downloaded since I discovered downloading. Everything illegal, gone. And I don't really feel like I've lost much, even though some of those songs are ones that I really liked to listen to. 20 minutes to go through my iTunes, and 2 seconds to empty the recycling bin. I think this is part my effort to live above reproach, and just to try to live a life worthy of calling myself something that is different than what the world is. Of course, we will never be perfect or have a hope for redemption, no matter how much we delete or try to purge these kind of things from our lives, but I guess that's what Jesus is for. I know that's what Jesus is for.

2010-01-10T19:06:00.004-05:00

The discussion drifted to downloading music and piracy and all that stuff in Sunday School today, and I felt like there was something terribly wrong with the way people were thinking. I do believe that downloading music through torrents or limewire or peer to peer sharing or whatever the hell is wrong when it's not through a legit source. I don't really think that it's the gray issue that people try to make it, and that it's really just more black and white. I think when you have the option to buy it from a store or iTunes or whatever, and you go and download, that would be stealing it. I don't buy into the whole sample on youtube free it's promotions I do it because I can't afford it kind of stuff. I think even by just using terms like piracy and bootleg and file sharing and all those fancy words or 'grey' words to describe it is just making it something to think about, if not automatically making you believe it's not right. I didn't really want to speak up either because I didn't feel like people would think any different than they've thought all along. I think the definition of stealing we came up with was taking something that was not yours or illegally acquiring something, something along the lines of that. Maybe it's just a personal thing, but when the topic of the class is stealing and it was said that we should live above reproach, I would think that we would come to some sort of conclusion.

2010-01-06T21:46:00.001-05:00

I never really thought that things would fall into place like this. I am so glad that we were able to get together like we did yesterday. I believe from the bottom of my heart that good things will come out of this if we continue. I hope that God will bring something new and fresh to us and just give us a new meaning to what we think we know about. This first little session we had brought so much joy to my heart and a feeling that God was starting to work in us and that He's going to surprise us in amazing ways as we travel together on this journey. I know we all stand in different places in our spiritual walks, but I think that we will all be able to help each other out and bring us together as brothers in Christ.
Let's keep it together.

---

It was unlike anything I have ever experienced. There's just something about being able to worship freely without having to think about who's next to me or who might be watching me. And being with 17000 other people all worshiping the same God. It was like a small preview of what heaven would be like. I always told myself that I didn't like to sing, and that people could worship God in song by just reading the words in their head, and that that was totally okay. Those first few nights/mornings, I was still having those self conscious feelings and being worried about my friends that were standing around me. On the second night, there was a man with mental and physical disabilities sitting 2 seats down from me. As time came for singing, I noticed that he was praising God and singing and lifting his hands up and just genuinely worshiping God. That just blew my mind. Then there was me, healthy and full able to do whatever I wanted with my body. Brought up in the church, Christian school, Christian parents, all the opportunities in the world to be submerged in the 'culture' of Christianity. And there I am, standing still and looking around at other people, and thinking about what other people think about me if I start singing or do whatever. It broke me to see myself and my attitude towards worship. Because if this guy still praise God from the bottom of his heart even though he's disabled and probably has so many difficulties in life, then why can't I? Why are we like this? I had to think long and hard about this.
I spent the rest of the conference in the upper bowl of the stadium, away from everyone else I knew. I just felt so free there, just being able to fully concentrate on God and try let Him speak to me. Now being back home and thinking back on the experience, I think I can say that I truly worshiped for the first time in my life up there in the stadium. I just felt something that I couldn't really explain, but I'm sure that it was something from the divine. And again, I always told myself that I was not a singing type, but now I believe that we were all made to 'make a joyful noise' and there's just no way around it when we're in the presence of God. So one challenge for me being back home now and back in the routine is to carry this over to my life now. So here we go...God help me.

2010-01-01T16:45:00.004-05:00

Urbana09. An experience like no other. I want to talk about how great the worship was, or how amazing the speakers were, or how much I enjoyed the company of 17000 Christians and Bible studies and all of that, but it was all because of something else, and not those things. I prayed that God would show himself to me, and show himself to me He did. I experienced God through opening up myself and allowing myself to get away from everything and not care about what other people thought, and taking the initiative to join with another brother in prayer, confessing to God something I have been holding on to for a long time and being touched by the Holy Spirit in a way that I have never experienced before. I experienced worship in a whole different way this week. I haven't really been the type to be very exposed or anything like that, but I guess God did show himself to me.
I have had my mind blown away by some of the things I learned, and things that I heard from many people. I still have to think about this whole thing for a long time, but I know that I'm going to do something with my life.
Spending New Years Eve worshiping and taking communion and worshiping right into the New Year is something that I never expected to do. But it was probably the best time I had the whole week. Yes, I believe God is good.

-----------

On another note:

Dear Mr Lau,

York Univeristy is pleased to offer you admission and a scholarship!

-----------

How the military teaches us how fossil fuels are made...

2009-12-25T19:42:00.001-05:00

A slightly different Christmas this year.

2009-12-24T19:01:00.001-05:00

So far so good.

2009-12-22T20:48:00.001-05:00

Let's see if I can wait 3 years.

2009-12-22T19:08:00.001-05:00

Finished those essays. Probably put a good 12-14 hours into those things.

2009-12-14T18:54:00.000-05:00

A sign from Somewhere else.

2009-12-13T22:45:00.002-05:00

'Sweat is the tears of dying fat.'

Psalm 91

2009-10-24T17:37:00.000-04:00

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

With long life will I satisfy him, and show him my salvation.

A Short Spill On Grace

2009-10-06T19:04:00.002-04:00

2009-09-11T16:32:00.001-04:00

Borden Range weekend.

2009-09-08T22:54:00.001-04:00

So this is it.

2009-09-07T19:18:00.004-04:00

This is it. The last year of high school. It's gonna pass faster than any other year has. One more step till we reach our next rite of passage. So much has changed since I started high school. Let's see how much more change this year will bring.

Finished

2009-08-29T13:36:00.002-04:00

Done. 68 days. 9 weeks. 2 hours on parade. Dress whites. 200 graduates. 50 out of 68 made it in my platoon.

Those first four weeks were the hardest times of my life. Waking up at 4:45 every day to go run when it's cold, dark, and pissing rain and then rush to breakfast to make the first timing, only to get yelled at and rewarded with push ups. Running up and down hills and watching my friends puke and faint. Getting yelled at for pretty much everything else. Doing laundry at night with 3 washers and dryers...with 60 other people in 3 hours. Shining boots till my hands wanted to fall off. Cleaning my rifle until my fingers would bleed...and then some more. Fighting my body to stay awake during lectures. Inhaling our meals to meet timings. Marching and doing drill in the hot sun with few water breaks. Doing fire picket for hours late into the night and only getting 2 hours of sleep. Going on the ranges pumped with coffee out of necessity. Learning to work with people.

But it's all over now. I would do it all over again if I had to. Probably the best experience of my life. I met some amazing people who will be life long friends. I've acquired new skills that can't be found anywhere else. I've learned more about myself.

Something one of our platoon-mates said. He didn't quite make it, but what he said did.
'Eat glass, shit victory.'

I've missed home quite a lot. It's nice to be back. I miss all my friends. I missed my family. Back to the routine. Things that will change: I'm going to do my own laundry. I'll clean up after myself. I'll wake up earlier. I'll fold my own clothes and take out the garbage. Oh, and I'll use bar soap.

2009-08-22T17:02:00.002-04:00

F.O.B.
Forward Operating Base. We got about 3 hours of sleep over 68 hours and they made us run in the morning and the afternoon before we actually left for the camp. It was all in all a good time with a lot of things learned. Getting attacked at random times, getting my friends blown up by a suicide bomber, shooting at people from a tower, watching some goons go crazy with guns from a O.P., getting my section member taken hostage(with 5 of our guys pointing rifles at his face screaming like crazy), sleeping on the side of a hill in a gas suit and in a little green bag, eating military rations for 3 days, walking around in a full CBRN suit and mask, getting raped by mosquitos(I got one on the lips when I was sleeping outside), patrolling for four hours at a time in the dark, and the list goes on....yes a fun time.

Last week of training. This is it. Yesterday we had off base leave from 1800-2200 so I went out to Barrie with two of my roommates and we ate Pizza Hut and went to the mall and asked every store if they had military discounts. We got 15% from foot locker. YAHHHH. I'm milking that card like crazy everywhere I go.

Today we went on a parade at the CNE and through the BMO field. We were wearing our CADPAT uniforms, tac vests, helmets, and carrying our rifles. It was the best feeling in the world walking through the ex and everyone was cheering and some were even crying and everyone was clapping for us. As we marched into the field the crowd started clapping like crazy and everyone stood up and then the announcer said that some of us were going to deploy to Afghanistan and all that. There was a real sense of pride in what I was doing. Not something that happens very often I guess. It was the 100th anniversiry of the CIC Warriors Day Parade.

So this is pretty much it. Tomorrow I head back and get ready for our last inspection. Then it's kit return and then Grad rehearsal and our course party. No more training. Just some admin and stuff. There is still a slight chance of failure if I injure myself terribly or I fail the inspection. I'm sure I won't and I'll be home in 5 days.