purpose to melody

I've been listening to sermons on my iPod in bed before I sleep for awhile now. Last night I listened to one about missions and dying to self and dying for gain in Christ. And usually I'm just falling asleep and trying to stay awake to hear people interpreting the Word, but last night I was wide awake the whole 50 minutes. And much longer after that. John Piper spoke about serving Christ with your whole life, and not wasting one bit of it for your own desires, but really putting yourself out there and using your whole life to serve God and advance His kingdom on earth. He talked about the martyrs and the people out there right now that are serving God and risking their lives. The Bible says that the things found in God are better life. Better than life. Revelations says that there is a 'number' or 'amount' set by God of people who will suffer and die for the sake of Christ before He returns to gather us up. Paul says to live if Christ, and to die is gain. To gain in death, for the sake of Christ and sharing the Gospel. He spoke of the North American lifestyle, where we call ourselves Christians, but then work for money and fame our whole lives, and then decide to waste away the last 15 years of our lives spending the money we've worked for and stored up for ourselves, and then go see the King. And what a way to waste a life, he says. And of course, there's the one that says that not everyone is called to missions or people are called to give or pray, but I now believe that everyone who loves God and calls themselves a Christian should have a missions mindset. And then there's the one that says that the mission field is here, and it most definitely is, but it's also out there as well, here and abroad. And then there's the civilian worker who is witnessing to his colleagues(heck, the apostle Paul was a tentmaker), and then Jesus was a missionary his whole life, as were the rest of the disciples and all of the early Christians. It's commanded in Scripture and it's the heartbeat of Jesus and his whole life story.
Last night was like assault-by-thoughts-and-convictions. It's just been everything being thrown my way these past few months. Urbana, turning my life over to Christ for real after 13 years of living the nominal Christian life, going to Africa and being exposed to a mission field there, coming back home and seeing how lost we are here, spiritually and everywhere else, just like in Africa and everywhere else, and all these things I keep reading and finding in the Bible that make me want to just drop everything and go. Or could I? Could I really drop everything? That's what I've been struggling with for the past little while. I've been feeling a very strong call to missions, long term missions and to just stop wasting my life. But then there's the other side that's saying that education is not a waste and it's the way to get somewhere in the world, or that if I'm not really 'called' to missions, I'm left here to serve in this mission field without an education and I'm pretty much a sitting duck. But then again, does it really matter? Does it REALLY matter? Do these things really matter? Education, a job, status, hobbies, a house, things, more things, and more things. And more things! The world says yes. Definitely yes. Collect more, become rich, become famous, then go give your wealth to the poor, just throw money at them and they'll be okay. Or go free the slaves, that's always a good one. But you free them from hunger, you free them from sickness, you free them from sex slavery, you free them from war, but they are still dead. They are still spiritually dead. They're still going to hell, and they've still never heard about Jesus, and they never will. They're still not free. And I've been guilty of this one too. Not that it's not important. Of course it is. The Bible is pepper sprayed with helping the poor, and freeing the slaves, and lifting them out of oppression, and feeding the hungry and clothing the naked, it even says that those actions are true signs of faith in God. But we can't forget the Gospel. And here we go with where my head is at now.

I've had three major trains of thought, or 'sections' in my brain.

1. I feel called to be a missionary somewhere else, long term. I want to serve God with my whole life. I don't want to waste my life, starting now or soon. There are unreached people and Jesus does command us to go to the ends of the earth.

2. I feel called and want to go on missions because I just got back from Urbana and Africa and all these things I've been discovering and bombarded with. I'm feeling gung ho for God and spreading the Gospel because of what I've just experienced, and maybe it's just a phase and I'll go back to sharing the Gospel back home, which is right and commanded in Scripture as well.

3. I want to go on long term missions more for the first reason than the second, but I'm still seriously considering whether or not I can really(or make myself) give up the things at home, like comfort and friends and family, and things I've worked hard for, like karate, the navy, my education, my music.

And then there's always the one of balancing between missions at home, and missions abroad, which is kind of like number 2. Because both are right, and both need to be done. Back to number 3. Jesus does not promise a comfortable life, he says that there will be suffering that there will be trials. The means and the result of dying to self is suffering. The means, and the result. But the end is so much greater. The joy of knowing Christ and being with Him one day should be the most important thing, leaving behind everything, and once again, not wasting my life. Jesus says give up everything and live for God, go out there and make disciples, and you could die. To die is gain, says the apostle Paul. One chilling example from that sermon last night: In Japan, they crucified 70 missionaries upside down on the beach in low tide. Imagine this. The lapping waves, and a man crucified, with his wife to one side, and his 16 year old daughter to the other. Could I really do that? Could I really put my life out there to serve Christ? Could I really? Now not saying that all missionaries have to die, and not all of them become martyrs, and that's not the goal, but that is part of it, just like giving up material things.

So now what? I shall pray.

'Be still, and know that I am God.'
Psalm 46:10

And I think in times like these, I need to do that and really try to hear the voice of God.