purpose to melody

Halifax:

I have learned many things here, about myself, about evangelism, about Jesus...life.

I have learned to love the people I meet, with the love of Jesus and how He would love them, to listen to them and meet their physical needs. To see them as lost people, but not to see them as only that, but as creations of God and those that He loves. To not just try to tell them my story in hopes of leading them to Him, but to listen to their story. To love them first, to show them Christ through the way that I live, instead of just speaking with my mouth, but to speak with my life. I have been learning and will learn for the rest of my life, wherever I am, in whatever I do, how to live in a way that is not of this world, in a way that will show who Christ is, and not who I am.

I have learned that what I have learned on its own is worthless. I know a bit here and there about evangelism, apologetics, about the Bible, about theology and how to tell my testimony, how to tell people about God. But I really don't. I have stepped out of my world and comfort zone, where most identify, or at least know of my faith or share that common belief with me. I have learned that I cannot learn how to evangelize, or tell someone of my faith, or defend it, in a classroom. I have learned so much about how to talk to people, how to tell people about God, how to tell them my story in a way that they can understand and not wonder at the strange words and phrases. I have learned more importantly to listen and to try to understand people of different beliefs. I have learned so much about how other people think. But I have only begun to scratch the surface, to begin to be exposed to what everyday life will be for an active Christian. I have built upon the knowledge and instruction I have grown up with in school and church, all which is good, but on its own is not much good, until I have understanding and wisdom of how to use it. I have learned that the hard way on some days here.


I learned in a very personal way the truths in Mark 4:26-29. Jesus tells us that the 'kingdom of God' is like a man that scatters seeds on the ground, and he lets the seeds grow, not knowing how or when the harvest will come, but is ready for the time. In faith he plants the seeds, in patience he lets them grow on their own time, and His own time, and in obedience and guiding by the Spirit he takes to the ripe harvest. I had to learn that even though I may have planted some seeds, by the power of the Spirit, I also must rely on the same who allowed me to plant the seeds to grow and work in these guys lives, and pray in faith and obedience for these seeds. BUT not to believe that I am mean to harvest, and to only keep praying and listening to those prods by the Spirit to water and do my part, and letting God do His, and all the while not expecting that I will be the one to harvest, but that God has His own timing, unknown to myself. Learning and accepting this was hard at times, feeling that I had to 'finish what I started', and feeling it hard to leave when I hadn't been able to win any souls for Christ, or just to give up altogether if it didn't seem like anything was happening. I learned to let go of that, to let go of what I want and what I think needs to happen. I learned that God's plan will always trump mine, and that I am just called to have faith, and act on that in obedience.

I have learned to trust in God(or just beginning to really learn). In my loneliness I have realized that I need to put my trust in God first, to trust Him with everything and to give everything up to Him, my hopes and dreams, my goals, my speech, my temptations, my struggles, even the joys, my every day. I have begun to realize, again in some ways the hard way, that I can't go about on my own and after being thrust out here for more than a month, experiencing new things, being presented with numerous temptations and pleasures of the flesh, and that I need to really believe in what I believe, that I trust in God and put my faith in Him, and not myself or my own efforts. I have begun to learn that even when I am alone, when I can't hear His voice, when I just want to give it all up and sit back and 'relax in life', that there is something worth more than whatever this place offers me. And just beginning to learn, over and over again.

I have realized once again that I need to be credible. Even though my works do not save me, they do show what is inside of me, and I learned from the very first day here that if I was to identify myself as a Christian and represent Christ, I needed to be consistent and live in a way that honored Him and was consistent with what was coming out of my mouth, what came from my actions, and what I claimed to believe. I learned the importance of this a few weeks into the course, seeing and experiencing a loss of credibility through a friend here. I could not understand it. But it reminded me again of the importance of practicing what I preach, walking the talk, being a doer and not just a sayer. I took a stand for what I knew was right and wrong, I did not partake in the activities that I could have easily dove into to 'experience new things' or to fit in. I identified myself as a follower of Christ, and tried so very hard to keep my speech and actions consistent with that. The loss of credibility for my friend and even sometimes feeling that spreading over for myself confused me and threw me off. But I needed to remember that God knows our hearts, that I am no better than anyone else, and that I should not and could not judge. Through this I also learned that it is so important for brothers and sisters to encourage and support one another, to spur one another on towards Christ and to keep each other accountable. To be understanding and listen, but also to be firm and speak the truth, in love, patience, and respect.

Earlier today I totally destroyed an opportunity to tell someone how I became a Christian. I was not ready and answered terribly with a jumble of words and after I wanted to smack myself. Later on, remembering 1 Peter 3:15.

"...Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..."



The power of prayer and persistence is still something I am amazed at. First being able to pray, and trying to even begin to realize what we are actually doing when we pray...trying not to take for granted that we can ask for our heart's desire, to ask on behalf of someone else, that our praise and thanks is accepted, and that even the Spirit intercedes for us with 'groanings too deep for words'. And in those times on the two ends of the pendulum, either low or high, I could either remember and feel even closer in prayer and praise, or feel the opposite and not feel a need to pray with my heart, or be so weakened in faith that I can only sit and question. But I have learned(and will continue to learn) that my prayers need to be Spirit filled and from my own heart as well, to pray in reverence and intimacy with Him, but also to be hopeful of the good that He has promised, and to ultimately converse with King of the universe.

"I realized that diligent, heartfelt, and Spirit-born prayer had miscarried in my soul, leaving only a trickle of unimpassioned human-derived prayers. Prayer had been relegated to available slots within my day and had lost its once vibrant presence in my daily life. I used to pray with passion, with purpose, and with expectancy; now I prayed to maintain, to pacify, and to keep the flesh in check..." - Eric Ludy



I also learned once again the importance of my time with God each day and spending time in prayer. Having the study of scripture and reflection in my daily routine has brought so many benefits. The blessing of finding a place where I could be alone and not be disturbed was huge. Although the floor may have been cold and hard in that bathroom, the door had a lock and I could freely spend time with the One and be hidden and enjoy Him. I spent many hours in intimacy, questioning, joy, anger, sadness, brokenness, healing, and so much more, alone, away from the rowdiness and distractions.

"It's amazing how trials and disappointments can cause us to become spiritually sensitive, force us to our knees, and open us up to a new and deeper work of God in our hearts." - Eric Ludy

In my moments of loneliness and confusion I did learn to trust in God all over again, to let go of my expectations. I always ask myself if it will really always take those low periods in my life to draw me closer and renew my awareness of how much God loves and cares for us and will pick us up.

Precious moments, sometimes forced out of discipline, and others out of anticipation and joy, but always leaving me closer(even though at times I did not feel) to my Saviour.