purpose to melody

Last night I ditched my fellowship and went home after leading worship. I shouldn't have lead. I felt like crap and I had the worst attitude at the moment, and I was just not in the right mind to be up there looking like I was praising God. I didn't really care, I just wanted to get it over with and head home. Because it was just another games night. But what's my problem? I always blame things on the fellowship, because 'they just play games and eat food'. And I always say that I would much rather go somewhere else if all I'm going to do is eat food and play cranium. And I always say that I can't remember the last time we opened a Bible. But I guess it's my fault, and probably not the fellowships fault. And most times, I just want to get away from it, but I know that's not the right thing to do. And people always tell me to be the change and to step up and be a leader, and not just sit back and let things slide, because I am capable to do something, but sometimes it's hard to do it when it seems like nobody cares. And that's another problem. By now, we all know that assuming makes an ass out of you and me, so I guess I've made an ass out of myself and in my view, an ass out of the fellowship. So I guess I've had my pride crushed in the past 24 hours after talking to people about this matter. Because there are people that care, and it's just my attitude towards it. Not that my feelings aren't valid, but I guess my response is not the best one. Don't know where I'm going with this one, but I guess I've gotta change and step out of my comfort zone and not be the idiot I've been.

I asked God to upset my world last week, and I guess it's happened. With my parents, with fellowship, and other stuff going on, it's really been a test of my faith and trust in God and what he has in store for me. I guess on the grad trip I learned that I shouldn't make plans and have faith in the future, but just live day by day in faith and see what God has for me today, and not looking and living in future, and planning to follow God in the future and making plans for my life of faith. But living day by day, and making choices today and decisions about the present, because those choices will change the way things happen in the future, and my plans that are made today about tomorrow will be crushed anyways. I've learned that. So I've made the decision to apply for an internship in Mexico, and I guess my obstacle is my parents, and I don't really know whats going with that, because everything and everyone else screams for it to happen, and inside I'm just dying to get out of here, but my parents don't seem so on board with that. And maybe this is just my plans being crushed again, but we'll see. It's so easy to say that I trust in God, and that I have faith that what He's planned for me is good. In theory, it's great, it sounds great, and it looks great. But doing it and living it is a different story. Very different. Different, but exciting, and risky, and challenging, but definitely worth it. But of course, a lot of things are worth it, but at the moment, the safe way always seems like the better one. I'm almost done Brother Andrew's biography. It's a little scary how much he trusted God. And it's a little scary how much he gave up and how much he relied on God, for everything. But it's exciting, and definitely worth it.

Giving stuff up. I had a conversation with my sensei about my commitment to the schooland how much I could train in the next little while to prepare me to become a black belt instructor. And I hadn't thought about how much I would be giving up. I was scared to say that I would be going away, and that I had plans to take time off, and in the end, I told him that was what I was going to do, and it was so damn hard not to think about how my training or the level of attention they were giving me would change. But I guess that's a risk I have to take if I really think that following Christ is more important than karate. I knew that conversation would come up at some point, and I was not prepared, but I know I did the right thing. But it still hard to give things up. Friends, family, my job, karate, comforts of home. These are all things I'll have to give up or be away from. And it's all cliche and all, but what is the cost of following Christ? And yes, people always say you can stay home and be a witness at home, which I am trying to be, but when you take a step back, where is God needed more? There will always be churches and opportunities to hear about Jesus here and places close to here, but in places where it's closed up to Jesus, who's going to go? People always say there will be people who go, and there are people who go, but who's really going? I want to go, and I will go, but I've got to let God figure that one out.

School is almost over. I hate this word, but I guess it's bittersweet.